So it's Valentines Day and Cupid might stick an arrow in someone's ass and then a couple of people fall in love, blah, blah, blah. If it hasn't been made clear yet, I will be blatantly using this entire column to convey my dismay for Hallmark Holidays, Valentine's Day being my primary prey.
But hang on, don't get me wrong - I'm not against making the most out of V-Day, but the fact that it has cemented itself into being such a highly demanding event makes it as stressful as realizing that you have a midterm the morning after you just finished smoking some really good 'dro.
Just a quick briefing before I continue my thoughts. Guys are in fact lazy when it comes to doing "special" things. This doesn't mean that guys don't want to do special things, but it just takes a lot of extra work. It is hard to dream up V-Day ideas without feeling extremely cheesy or not knowing how far to go to satisfy the requirement.
With a Hallmark Holiday like Valentine's Day, both parties know it doesn't simply involve spending time together, in fact it is expected that hours and even days will be spent preparing for the occasion.
It takes a hell of a lot of effort to drive in traffic all the way to the mall or some other place to shop in all the stores that always seem to have the heat cranked up way too high, and all the while never really knowing exactly what V-Day gift is just right.
But once a suitable gift is acquired it doesn't end there. The gift(s) needs to be wrapped, and that takes some time, and it has to look good too. Girls don't want their gift wrapped in a brown Wegmans bag or an old lunch sack, it has to look pretty. So, some type of wrapping paper with hearts on it and stuff needs to be purchased as well.
The preparation doesn't end there, however, it's far from over. The gift part is all good, but it is unacceptable to leave it on the table with the spent shards of wrapping paper and tape littered about it and shout from the couch, "your gift's on the table babe," while watching "Seinfeld" and sucking down some Schlitz Ice. It won't fly. There must be a predetermined plan.
So, got the gift, got it wrapped, now the day has to be special, or something. This is where it gets tricky, depending how you choose to maneuver through the rest of the day. Scrounging up some dinner and watching a movie together is fine, but not acceptable in her eyes. You may as well do nothing at all. And I'd personally recommend doing nothing because it's easier, but there are serious repercussions.
When V-Day morning comes, making a girl breakfast is always a great start, it should be a good breakfast too, not imitation sugarless Cheerios and Coke. So probably a nice omelet or crepes even, if one may dare, but be careful - you don't want to set the bar too high. Also, get out there and warm her car up for her before class, give her a kiss and send her on her way.
Now fast forward to the evening after class or work. This is probably a good time to solidify that dinner reservation that was already made and surprise her with a nice dinner date. Most likely at a high brow place in Buffalo or Amherst one can't go wrong. After picking up the bill, maybe swing by a high-end bar on Elmwood Avenue and have a few drinks to keep the momentum going for the amazing accomplishment thus far.
After drinks, it would most likely be a nice time to hand over the neatly wrapped gift that took so much effort to acquire, unless she demanded it earlier. Hopefully, either way she'll be pleased with the gift and say, "This is the best Valentine's Day ever!"
Where it goes from here is dependent on whatever is going on in the relationship. It could be good night, or it could be an invitation inside for a hardcore romp in the hay of "bumping uglies."
Now all that effort was a great deal of work that sidetracks a guy from the natural routine of his busy life of burping and farting. But to girls it is worth every last post-coital drop of effort, and the shimmer in her eye rewards us guys. That's why we do it. That's why we put ourselves through it time and time again. Though, it would be nice to have the tables turned just once, and get catered to all day. What responsibilities do girls have for V-Day anyway?
Maybe V-Day isn't that bad after all, but either way it's still a pain in the ass no matter how you look at it.
