Back in the day when I used to sling pizzas for Domino's, I found myself entering many strange places. Though, my delivery to one address on Alberta Drive was probably one of the most peculiar destinations I've ever encountered. It turns out this address lead to the office of a legitimate matchmaker.
You're probably thinking the room was brimming with potions, self-filming grotesques describing their favorite Billy Joel album and heart shaped boxes of chocolate. Instead, there were a bunch of professional looking women who apparently had a hankering for mediocre pizza. As I handed over the pie, a bright-eyed lady asked me if I was single. Even though I was occupied at the time, she decided to give me a business card entitled "Matchmaker International."
I've since then discarded of the card, but I never discarded my curiosity. In an area as economically decrepit as Buffalo, I wonder how lucrative a business that relies on a stranger's craving for companionship can possibly be. I also wonder how their archaic "one-on-one" customer service competes with the ubiquitous matchmaking industry online.
Most dating services rely on emotional, social, physical and cognitive assessment to determine whom you could tolerate at a dinner table. The anonymity of the Internet has enticed many people to search for love (or lust) in their slippers. "eHarmony," one of the more publicized online dating services, bases their evaluation on Dr. Neil Clark Warren's 29 magical dimensions.
Some may find dating services such as "eHarmony" to be reductive and insincere due to its accordance with typification, but truth be told, people are not that hard to figure out. When it comes down to brass tacks, you and I are pretty much one-dimensional.
Even though the clientele may be fairly static, it doesn't mean that the evaluation process should be equally unprovocative. If I had it my way, the questionnaires would be so tangled that even the person answering wouldn't understand what they're admitting to.
The following are a few covert queries that correspond with some of "eHarmony's" 29 dimensions, but you'd never know it. (Out of convenience, and partially out of curiosity, these questions have been written from the standpoint of a male. Revise them according to your gender.)
1.) A maniacal tooth fairy has decided to curse your libido. You are no longer able to fornicate with the one woman you truly love, and every desire you have to express your sexual attraction towards this "one true love" is translated into a practical joke. She has decided to allow you to throw pies in her face so long as you give her permission to bump hoo-hoos with a farm animal on a monthly basis. Which farm animal would you permit to penetrate her? (Dimensions revealed: Conflict Resolution, Kindness, Dominance, Humor.)
2.) An intimidatingly-sized thug has made you his lackey. You're sent over the Canadian border with a plastic baggie of powder lodged into your large intestines. Out of extreme discomfort you pull over to the nearest rest stop in Ontario and start to poke around your anal canal with a straw you snagged from Burger King. You feel like you're about to die and chances are you will when the baggie begins to disintegrate. You desperately recruit the help of the gentleman named Eugenie who kindly wrote his number on the stall wall. He arrives in shining pleather and squeakily enters your stall to the reprise of Lesley Gore's "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows." A gruff police officer meanders into the men's room and accidentally nudges open your stall door as you're being melodically compromised. Do you tell the officer the truth? (Dimensions revealed: Character, Self-Concept, Emotional Status, Security.)
3.) So it turns out that you're the strongest human being on the planet and a Giant Panda Bear (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) challenges you to a fight to the death. The winner will receive the ability to fly (which means you could technically be the next Mothra) and you're confident you could actually win. Unfortunately, this panda's species is on the verge of extinction. Do you fight the panda? (Dimensions revealed: Altruism, Curiosity, Appearance, Autonomy.)
4.) Marilyn Monroe offers to coach your son's little league team. You have a profound attachment to baseball; in fact, your attachment is so profound that your closeness to baseball corresponds with your cholesterol level. Your chances of dying from heart disease increase if baseball is somehow obstructed from your life (plus, you really, really like it). Even though Marilyn may be the archetype of American sensuality, she don't know jack about the all-American sport you so adore (despite Joe DiMaggio's efforts). The only way to ensure that Marilyn would be contested as a competent little league coach is if she were publicly revealed as a pedophile. The plan you have devised to usurp Marilyn is guaranteed to work even though the outcome of your son's future career as a baseball guru is 50/50. Would you encourage your son to seduce Marilyn Monroe? (Dimensions revealed: Family Goals, Ambition, Traditionalism.)
5.) You and a friend are driving cross-country and you agree to play a game to pass the time. It involves guessing what type of cargo is inside of every rig you pass. Each correct guess decreases your chances of being reincarnated as Flavor Flav. It's impossible to find out what's inside of the truck unless you recruit the help of a ninja (with suction cups) or a corrupt cop. From a pragmatic financial standpoint, which one are you most likely to hire? (Dimensions revealed: Artistic Passion, Industry.)
6.) It's 1938. You and Orson Welles have been indeterminably blacklisted. After spending two restless weeks in an underground bungalow, you begin to grow fond of his pear-shaped figure, silky hair and pouty lips. Do you ask Orson Welles to shave? (Dimensions revealed: Romantic Passion, Adaptability.)
These questions have yet to be polished but the general template will surely revolutionize matchmaking as we know it. If it were up to me, revelations would be packaged in subtleties; the more you don't know about yourself, the easier it'll be to make a match.
