For those not in the know, "taking it to the tree-line" is a phrase coined by the Marines. It describes a situation when two opponents wrestle each other until one person taps out. That's the only rule. My fearless managing editor, L.W., has been in the Marines for five years, and recently brought the "tree-line" to the office.
This "tree-line" mentality has brought a Darwinist system to those willing to partake in the competition. Only the strongest can survive. Whenever there is an argument that needs to be settled, only six words will suffice, "Take it to the tree line!" For anyone who has seen the inside of our windowless dungeon, which some refer to as an office, you would understand that it is pretty easy to get cabin fever being in there 11-7, three days a week.
I'm what some people may call stubborn. Others may call me immature, others still may call me ridiculously sexy and all of these are true. These factors have led to me being challenged to five "tree-lines" since the beginning of the semester. My official record in these events is 0-5.
MATCH 1: In my first foray into the "Tree-Line," my foe was L.W. This was not just for pride, this was for the right to utter the words "George Bush" in the office. You see, L.W. has a hard-on for George W., while I really could care less about politics in general. For some reason or another, I said something defiling the name of Bush, and L.W. took me to the "tree-line" to teach me a lesson I would not soon forget.
The match began when referee, The Jarka, said go. With-in 15 seconds, L.W. had me squealing like a pig. After that, I'll admit I did something I am not proud of. Once the match was over, and The Jarka had declared L.W. the winner, I mounted a behind the back attack on him. This was a mistake. L.W., angrier then ever, flipped me over and took me to task again.
I am sad to report this was not the last time I applied this tactic. More on this later.
MATCH 2: Though L.W. was the toughest; my greatest challenge came against Sergeant Dick. Sergeant Dick made the mistake of stealing my Nerf volleyball.
My match with Sergeant Dick lasted several rounds. I lost every one of them, and sadly lost a button off of my new shirt in the process. However, let it be said that I never gave up, and in the end I got the ball back, though L.W. was forced to come to my rescue.
MATCH 3: After this one, I lost my quickest match to date, against The Jarka. After I put a garbage can over his head, he quickly made me tap out in three seconds, via a headlock takeover.
MATCH 4: The only match that I thought I had a chance in was a rematch from a drunken brawl that took place last year in Cleveland. This match wasn't just for pride, this was revenge. You see my foe, Fer, is what some may call a benedict Arnold, as she changed her allegiance from The Spectrum to the athletic department. For obvious reasons this was an important match for me.
As usual, I was wrong again.
The match lasted for the better part of 10 minutes, and though I held on due to my never-say-die-attitude, Fer dominated throughout.
Now I know a lot of you read that last sentence and are disgusted that I fought a girl, and even more sickened that I lost to a girl. However, Fer is not your typical girl. She received the nickname "beast" from several opponents in our intramural basketball league last year. Plus, she started it.
In the end, Fer got me in a leg lock and I was forced to tap. In my defense, I had knee surgery a few years back and I never fully recovered. After this humiliating defeat, I could not look myself in the mirror, so I did the only thing I could think of. I devised a sneak attack and tackled her from behind. Again, not one of my prouder moments.
MATCH 5: Though losing to a girl is comparable to being neutered, the fight I'm most distraught that I lost in is to "Hardcore," my assistant editor and someone who, in November, will be half-way to middle age. Well Hardcore and I took the "tree-line" outside, and with practically the entire staff forming a ring around us, we scared away the innocent bystanders enjoying their lunch outside. Though I put up a decent battle against Hardcore, he had the weight advantage on me. Anyway, he's a military veteran who saw action in Afghanistan, which may have aided in his victory. Due to this loss, I am never allowed to mention one of my favorite childhood movies starring four Jamaican bobsledders in the office again.
So now I'm back to the drawing board. 0-5 in tree-line matches, I have lost to the man named L.W., a guy who actually goes by the name Dick and now a girl. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel: With the Buffalo football team's stomping of Kent State this weekend, it showed that even the underdogs can have their day.
So let's feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up, it's tree-line time! (I won't tell if you don't.)
(Cue "Rocky" music!)
Photo: Courtesy of SUNY
