Mandates of sports fandom

In life there are numerous important decisions that must be made. These decisions determine who you are as a person. The Rolling Stones or the Beatles, Bud Light or Coors Light, Barry Bonds or Satan - these are all decisions people make. Of course these are all subjective opinions and there are no right or wrong answers (unless of course you chose Bud Light). Most rational people fall distinctly into one camp or the other.

The other night I received devastating news when my buddy, let's call him "Larry," revealed that not only is he a fan of the Miami Dolphins, living in Buffalo, but that his second favorite team was the New York Jets. Now I can forgive the Dolphins problem since he didn't grow up in Buffalo, but to be a fan of two teams from the same division is unethical, immoral, and downright wrong.

Of course Larry had his logic for his so-called double dip, but even Utah only has one professional sports team.

"When the Dolphins play the Jets I root for the Dolphins," Larry said. "However when they are not playing each other I root for both to win. It's called competitiveness."

Sorry Larry you are wrong; it's called bigamy. Everyone knows that in football you must root for your team to go 16-0 and every other team in the division to go 0-16. Yes, I know that is technically impossible. So what.

To help Larry, and to prevent an outbreak of the "Double-Dip Disease," I have decided to list the top four undisputed laws of being a fan. I have also provided punishments for each law that is broken. These laws are etched in stone and definitive.

4. Thou shall not cheer for the Red Sox just because thou dad/brother/friend/roommate cheers for the Yankees or vice-versa. It's just rude. At least be creative - cheer for the Toronto Blue Jays, they're an up-and-coming team.

Penalty for noncompliance: Buying first round of beer.

3. Thou shall cheer for your own team and hope every other team loses. If thou be'eth insistent on having a second favorite team, you better damn well make sure that they are in another league/conference.

Penalty for noncompliance: For your most-favorite team, may all its field goals go wide right.

2. There shall only a few occasions where it is okay to switch your favorite team, and going to college or moving to a new city is not one of them. Thanks to DirectTV there is no reason to miss your hometown's team. However, if your hometown team decides to pick up and move in the middle of the night, not only do you have the right to hate that team, but you have permission to hate sports for life.

Penalty for noncompliance: Six months of designated-driver service and one year as the automatic wingman.

1. Again, thou shall not have a second favorite team that is in the same conference/division. I mean it.

Penalty for noncompliance: If thou chooseth to commit this ultimate sin may thou be sentenced to shop with your significant other on every Sunday for all eternity.