Aries (3/21-4/19): People often talk about you because you are completely oblivious to the fact that people talk about you. Note to self: If you are a male most likely you won't amount to very much. If you a female then you're probably a slut. Try investing in a karaoke machine, it might be a good look for you.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): You're a persistent bastard about certain things, but don't forget the money you owe your friend from that thing a while ago either. You know, back when Jen and Chris were still together and you had to spend the night in someone else's dorm and that second person was nice enough to share their stuff with you and although they're being polite and not holding it against you it's kind of an unspoken rule that you should still pay them back and if you don't remember to, they're going to have to politely bring it up themselves and the whole situation will be really awkward? Yeah, that thing.
Gemini (5/21-6/21): You are going to eventually get laid...twice. You also make excellent pimps and flight attendants.
Cancer (6/22-7/22): As the crab represents your sign, it's inevitable that today, you will be crabby. Your emotions are fierce and out of control and today, someone you love will tell you that you need to change because at the moment, you suck.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): You're a ferocious hunter (or huntress), but nobody can believe who you dragged back to your den last night. What, you don't remember? Don't worry, all of your friends will make sure that you hear about it for the rest of the month.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Have you been feeling a little tense, romance-wise? Like you know what you want and you just can't get it? Loosen up and stop clinging so tightly to your virginal roots. A trip to the Chip Strip would do you well, just remember to avoid the people with visible mouth sores. Unless you're into burning pee, that is.
Libra (9/23 - 10/22): The semester is halfway over, but the drama in your life has only just begun. In a fitting move, your friends will spar against one another and ask you to play referee. But don't hesitate to mete out justice with a swift, cruel hand. Those whiney brats should have known better than to ask you to play judge. On the bright side, your English professor will come down with botulism and will be forced to cancel class for at least a week.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21): The scorpion is a dangerous critter, as are you by being born under this sign. Today, Uranus will be parallel with the moon and the cosmic waves will make you attractive to the opposite sex, which is a change from the norm. However, be wary of those who approach you under false pretenses and are ugly. If they're hot, bombs away.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21): You have a vivacious imagination and often think the government and Ms. Cleo are watching you. You don't know this but most people think your breath smells like battery acid. Breath mints anyone?
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): You've been avoiding some emotional memories lately by preoccupying yourself with work or videogames. Don't repress these feelings, otherwise suicidal tendencies will strike without warning and you will be forced to use The Knives again. On the bright side, you will get two gumballs when you put your quarter in the gumball machine. Maybe.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): You've been holding onto some unnecessary things lately - let them all go. According to Yahoo! Astrology, you're broke and have to eat tuna sandwiches all the time anyway, which is kind of gross. So pawn your television, cut the umbilical cord, and just let go of the steering wheel. Your unfettered idealism will do the driving today.
Pisces (2/19-3/20): The fish, a creature that lives and thrives under water, represents your sign. Similarly, you will be thriving in your own environment but there will be a problem. Your body odor will scare off those around you so be sure to bathe properly before leaving your home today.
