It was no surprise that UB football head coach Jim Hofher was officially fired Tuesday, but for those who were unaware of the events leading up to his dismissal, here, in a special Spectrum report, is the true unabridged story:
Saturday morning. Enter three witches.
President Simpson: When shall we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, or in rain?
Dennis Black: When the hurly-burly's done, when UB's lost and Miami's won.
Provost Tripathi: That will be ere the set of sun.
Black: Upon the heath.
Simpson: There to meet...MAC-Hofher!
Saturday afternoon. The scene is a football field, post-battle. Bulls players are strewn everywhere after a 54-13 massacre at the hands of Miami (Ohio). Quarterback Drew Willy asks a "bloody captain" who is to blame for the loss. Captain Bryan Cummings tells him it is the fault of none other than MAC-Hofher.
Meanwhile, as a destitute MAC-Hofher gets on the team bus, the witches appear out of nowhere.
Simpson: All hail, MAC-Hofher! Hail to thee, former coach of UB!
Black: All hail, MAC-Hofher, that shalt be fired hereafter!
MAC-Hofher: Stay, you imperfect speakers, tell me more: by Victor E. Bull's death I know I am head coach of UB, but how former coach? The season is not over.
Before he can ask more, the witches vanish. MAC-Hofher returns to Buffalo to discover an important press conference has been scheduled by Athletic Director Warde Manuel for Tuesday in Alumni Arena. Panicked that the witches have actually foretold the future, MAC-Hofher confides in communications director Paul Vecchio, who plots with MAC-Hofher to kill the sole man responsible for his downfall: QB Drew Willy, who personally had five turnovers Saturday's loss.
But before he can do the deed, MAC-Hofher has doubts and is found wandering the campus delusional.
MAC-Hofher: Is this a football which I see before me, the laces towards my hand? I have thee not, and yet I see thee still. A football of the mind, a fumbled creation. Thou marshal'st me the way I was going, and such an instrument I was to use. I go, and it is done. Hear not, Drew Willy, for it is a knell that summons thee to heaven, or to hell.
MAC-Hofher completes the dirty deed (one of the few Bulls' completions on the year), murdering Drew Willy in his sleep with a football bought at Dick's. Although he has eliminated Willy, MAC-Hofher realizes he must still find a way to stop the press conference. He seeks out the witches, who show him three apparitions. The first, a Bulls helmet, tells him to beware Manuel.
MAC-Hofher: For thy good caution, thanks.
The second, a bloody ball boy, says MAC-Hofher will never be fired until UB is ranked in the country's top 20.
MAC-Hofher: That will never be. Who can impress UB, bid the school unfix its bottom 10 roots?
The third, an image of former Bulls QB Randall Secky, tells him no one of born from Michigan can fire MAC-Hofher.
MAC-Hofher: Then live, Manuel, what need I fear of thee, former Michigan native, athlete, and associate athletic director?
Meanwhile, Lady MAC-Vecchio sleepwalks in the halls of Alumni, muttering to himself about the death of Drew Willy, rubbing his hands as if washing off blood. It becomes clear Lady MAC-Vecchio has gone mad from his foul play.
Lady MAC-Vecchio: Out, damned spot! What need we fear who knows what we have done...yet who would have thought the young man to have had so many fumbles and interceptions in him? (Lady MAC-Vecchio sobs uncontrollably and returns to his office to sleep.)
Tuesday, the day of the press conference. MAC-Hofher approaches. Manuel stands at the podium wearing a Michigan Wolverines helmet. Before he gets to football business, he praises the men's soccer team, which is in the playoffs after being ranked No. 20 in the country. A terrified MAC-Hofher realizes the second apparition's warning has come true. He draws his sword, inexplicably calls for a run on fourth and 14, and prepares for D-I combat.
MAC-Hofher: I bear a charmed coaching job, which must not yield to one of Michigan born.
Manuel: Despair thy charm, and let the angel whom thou still hast served tell thee, Manuel was from New Orleans untimely ripped!
MAC-Hofher: Being of New Orleans born, yet I will try the last. Lay on, Manuel, and damned be him that first cries 'BU-FF-AL-O!'
The two men fight at Alumni's center-court, swords clashing. MAC-Hofher is slain. The players gather around to mourn. A janitor mops the blood from the hardwood.
Manuel: And so, God be with him. Here comes newer comfort. Behold where stands th' usurper's cursed head. The time is free. Now finally begins a new era for football at UB.
Photo: Courtesy of Matthew Messina, from the RMBERS' Instagram page
