"Fire Hofher, Goo Goo Dolls could coach"

I'm writing this letter partially in response to last week's article "Keep the faith: a call for loyal fans," (Sept. 16). For those that don't remember, the article was written to scold UB football "fans" for jumping on the "negativity bandwagon," and even went as far as blaming a lack of attendance for the team's woes.

Well, just like those that feel we need to protest the war in Iraq to draw attention to it, in similar fashion, I believe we need to voice our displeasure with the football team. I for one have attended all the UB home games since coming here last year, and I have made it to two of their three games this year. That's right: I made the two-hour trip to Syracuse only to watch them cross the 50-yard line twice.

I'm not saying the football team doesn't work hard. I give them credit for going out there every week because they could easily throw in towel. I actually believe this team holds some talent. However, they will not win more than two games this year simply because of Jim Hofher. Hofher is a dreadful 7-42 in five seasons here at Buffalo.

Hofher, as well as others, often use the excuse that they've only been D-I for seven years, and that this is the reason they fail to compete with teams like Bowling Green, who has been D-I for 86 years now. However, I was under the illusion that you join D-I sports because you believe you can compete with those teams, not because you believe you'll have competitive teams in the following century.

The other reason I wrote this letter is because I believe I have a few ideas that can improve the team. I am asking that you use my negativity in a constructive way. First, I believe we should fire Jim Hofher. Then, every week we hold a raffle where the winner gets to become the honorary head coach the following week. Second, instead of using three or four quarterbacks throughout the game, we should give each quarterback a few series in the first half. Then, at halftime, we would hold an interactive poll to vote for the second half quarterback. Third, I believe the stadium should begin selling alcohol, or maybe even just giving it away. This would not only put people in the stands but it would prevent them from leaving at halftime.

Another idea might be to bring in celebrity coaches. We could have Marv Levy coach one week and the Buffalo native Goo Goo Dolls the next week. They could even perform at halftime. Maybe we could get Steve Tasker to coach the team, because if he can't get the team fired up to play, I'm not sure anyone can.

Perhaps we could even use UB football games to prevent drinking in the dorms. Instead of assigning 20 hours of community service, one would be required to watch 20 hours of UB football. Of course, I'm sure our new athletics director is unlikely to adopt my attendance improving ideas. In fact, Hofher will probably end up winning three games this year and we'll sign him to another contract extension. We certainly can't have that man testing the open market.

But in all seriousness I write this letter to draw attention to the serious problem that is Jim Hofher. Something needs to be done, as he is single-handedly making our program the laughing stock of Division I. And don't get me wrong, no matter how the team performs I'll show up to the games. I'll be there cheering on the Bulls for at least the first few series before I begin yelling obscenities at Hofher and start thinking of more appropriate names for Victor E. Bull ... Terry Bull is the best I've got so far.