Procrastinate? Why wait?

So of course it's 2 a.m. and I have a five-page paper due the next afternoon, and I haven't started writing it. In fact, I haven't even done any of the reading from the three books and two handouts I'm supposed to write about.

Logic tells me that after hours of solid procrastination I need to sit down, open my books, and write the damn paper. Five minutes later I'm asleep on the futon.

Chances are, when I describe the above situation, many a student from UB to Oxford can relate to it. I don't know if it's something we eventually grow out of, but procrastination certainly seems like it's in our blood as college students.

My particular situation turned out all right that night. After sleeping through my alarm clock I knocked out my paper in the two hours before it was due and stumbled into class late because even though I finished the paper on time, I took too long leaving my room and misjudged the time it takes to walk to Talbert.

There are those days that do not turn out all right, and every time I survive a night of heavy procrastination, as if in the throes of a terrible hangover, I tell myself afterwards: never again. But as we all know, that does not work. The next night I find myself again staring at my books at 2 a.m., struggling to study for a test the next morning.

Surviving procrastination, however, is not what ties my stomach in knots. If I were really and truly worried about these papers and tests, I wouldn't put them off until the last second. Procrastination is never a necessity. We procrastinate because we can.

What makes me feel sick then is not even the procrastination itself, but the drain from procrastinating that slowly takes a toll on my sleep, my psyche, and my health. That's the heart of the problem: the domino effect of procrastination. It's not just the sleep you lose that night - it's the buildup that comes from weeks of living in mad a sprint to the finish line, only to discover the race isn't over. It's the groove you fall into of only being able to do work at odd hours. It's the laugh-it-off mentality you adopt as you tell yourself it's no big deal to keep doing it this way.

For some procrastinators like myself, survival by procrastination can be even worse than death by it. Drowning in your own mistake at least teaches you to wise up and not repeat it. Barely making the cut, however, despite how many times you say "never again," reinforces the fact that, yes, I can do it again. It works. It doesn't work by much, but it works.

The million-dollar question is, then, "why do we do it?" I know from countless experiences that if I procrastinate I will either regret it or feel terrible about it afterwards. And I know every time I don't procrastinate, I feel great, accomplished, on top of the world. It can't just be that my self-discipline is the worst on the planet. After all, I know I'm hardly the only one on campus always looking for ways to avoid what needs to be done. There must be pros to balance the cons of this ancient art form.

For example: putting off something for a class just long enough that, as you're procrastinating by checking your inbox, you get an e-mail from your professor saying class is cancelled for the week or the project date is changed. Better yet, he wrote the assignment wrong and you don't have to do it. Or how about breaking up with your girlfriend or boyfriend? Do it yourself and the guilt lies with you. Procrastinate long enough that he or she breaks up with you, and suddenly you're the one with the sympathy.

If fate doesn't intrigue you as a reason to give into the seduction of "I'll do it later," then do it out of a sheer test of strength and willpower against the odds. How fast can you crank out that five-page paper? How long can you go without doing your laundry? Maybe running late to class by two minutes every day is just the thrill you're looking for.

And speaking of pros, doesn't "pro" mean to favor or support? "Pro" is a positive prefix. So really, by procrastinating, you're just supporting crastination. And that's a good cause, right? It's downright charitable of you.

Okay, so maybe none of those are really positive reasons to procrastinate, but right now - lacking sleep and working on a deadline - they're the best I can come up with. And whatever reason I, or anyone else, chooses to procrastinate, it's a lot deeper and less tangible than pros versus cons. It's something devilishly seductive about "later."

On second thought, procrastination is probably more human than devilish, but man, can you imagine if the devil had tempted Jesus with procrastination instead of power? We'd still be waiting for the Sermon on the Mount.