Paint It Black

All this week I've watched my black eye morph and swell in Technicolor. It didn't bruise right away after the chair hit me in the face, but in a day my whole eyelid had turned a deep and ugly purple. It ached a little, and the stitches sometimes itched, but man, it felt good to be hurt.

It's hard to explain why having 14 spidery black stitches and a shiner gave me something of a natural high. First of all, it's not like I got this from Fight Club (it was a laughable accident in a dorm common room). And secondly, had I suffered a serious eye injury rather than this relatively minor one, I wouldn't be nearly as upbeat about the whole thing.

Nonetheless, the way this black eye has made me feel is something I think runs deep in all of us.

Four years ago, I choked by best friend Julie, and it's something for which I've never apologized. We were getting a ride home and we both fought for the front seat. But because I was angry at her that night, among other things, I suddenly and subconsciously became violent and wrapped my hand around the back of her neck, squeezing as hard as I could, prying her away from the car door by her neck.

When I remember that moment, it gives me chills. I felt strong, athletic, powerful. And most of all, with all the crap that was going on between Julie and me, for once I felt like I was in control of something. I know it was wrong, but I've yet to figure out how to apologize without jeopardizing the end that resulted in a powerful high, a sense of control, insights gained about myself, and new revelatory questions.

I tell this story now because when I choked Julie I felt alive, refreshingly alive from a new and profound experience. Though it was only for a few seconds, and although I know the concept is intangible, my life in that moment gained a degree of reality I never felt before. Everything that was complicated had suddenly become wonderfully simple.

Looking at my black eye now reminds me of that simple, powerful reality. It's different and it's minor, but something about having blood stream down my face made that night seem more real to me. Maybe it's because the event was so out of the ordinary, it temporarily shattered my mundane life. I don't know. In the way that choking Julie channeled my anger into something that felt purposeful, looking at my black eye in the mirror takes my mind somewhere more meaningful. I remember what it felt like when the chair hit me, and I remember the pain and see what it's wrought. It's not much, but it gives me a rush.

To an extent, choking Julie made me understand how good people can do bad things. I don't make a habit of hurting people, and in most circumstances I know my morals would kick in and stop me. But that night during 11th grade was an anomaly. It took me a while afterwards to grasp why it felt so liberating to give in to those emotions, and again, I can't fully explain what it has to do with my busted eye, but the two feelings are linked though both the power of each incident being an aberration and the thrill of the brush with disaster.

For most people, I don't think the idea of embracing your darker emotions computes for two reasons. One, they haven't experienced it. And two, nobody wants to hear it. Perhaps understandably, there's something of a taboo on talking as frankly as I just did about your darker thoughts. And yet, like my eye injury, what I did to Julie was minor in the grand scheme of things. I only got the smallest taste of what I think the rush of war and murder might feel like, where crimes of hate and greed must come from.

None of this is to say that everyone should feel that dark adrenaline rush. But I do think these feelings need to be better understood because they are innately human. Not everyone has reached a snapping point to bring them out, but they are there and no one talks about them.

There are people who know and understand this dichotomy and play on it. That's why speaking to our fears of losing control, not being manly, not being safe, not being cool, being on the brink of attack, needing to win - it's how you get people to justify any means to reach a desired end.

Maybe it's just me, but if we really want worldwide freedom, if we want to make things better in the dark corners of the world, then we need to better understand, acknowledge, and confront the psychological spark within all of us that guides our decisions and tells some of us to stop choking and others to hold on tightly until the end.

Anyone else out there have a black eye?