I was in CVS this weekend to pick up some badly needed painkillers, Cepacol and deodorant. I opened my window last night and in flew Enza, to borrow from a letter in Capen's Poetry/Rare Books Collection.
I meandered my stricken self to the magazine rack and saw FHM in its sealed package with a picture on its cover of a woman with breasts Mother Nature never intended. In the upper-right corner stood the question "Should you dump her?" along with the declaration, "Ten ways you can tell, page (whatever)."
Now, I'm not about to spend $6 to find out what the FHM staff womanizer thinks about the relationship with a female I may or not have. So here's what I'm guessing was on that list. EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a parody. Michael Flatt believes none of this.
1. She has cellulite. Dimples on the butt/upper-thighs created by women's unattractively shaped fat cells are simply unacceptable. She's clearly lazy and will be the same with the children you may want to have someday. Then you'll have fat hideous children. Everyone knows fat women give birth to ugly babies, physically deformed by their horrifying passage through dimpled loins. Tell her to go for a jog, and that then you'll answer her calls again.
2. She expects conversations. There's no reason a woman should expect you to talk about your day, your beliefs, your family, your past, the way you stare at waitress's breasts or the open sores on your genitals. A real girlfriend would understand your need for privacy. And that nonsense about "sharing lives" is bull-puckey. If her life doesn't have enough substance for her, then that's her problem.
3. She refuses to let you pay for her meals. She's in a higher income bracket than you. That doesn't mean she's not the woman in the relationship. You are still the man, and despite the fact that the Western tradition of men being the breadwinners is in the process of dissolving, you still get to let her and the waiter know that she owes you something.
4. She's not the best in the sack. She just lies there, expecting you to do all the work. Typical. Hasn't she heard of any position other than that named by the Catholic Church in the Middle Ages? How can she expect you to stay with her if she's not setting the sheets on fire, letting you relax after a hard day's work.
5. She likes to talk to other guys. How could she expect you to feel confident in her love for you if she goes around gallivanting with other men? Simple exchanges of pleasantries with cashiers do indeed constitute "gallivanting" activity. She's a hussy. There's no way she'll go more than another month before she's between someone else's sheets. She's supposed to be your woman, no one else's. When will they get it?
6. You just moved to those apartments across from Sweet Home High School. (Explanation censored.)
7. She wants to be let out of the basement. It's dark, it's damp, the chain is chafing her ankle, and the water heater keeps burning her wrists. But she'll stay down there until she finds a way to make it across the room and do your laundry, and fold it the way you like it.
8. She doesn't like metal. All she wants to hear are those girls that whine and moan about relationships. She has no appreciation for real music, made by men who have been tortured by some evil chick and have been left with a sadistic disposition that is most assuredly everyone's fault but their own. Women don't understand pain. This is clear because they sound far less menacing when they sing/scream. And dreadlocks don't make you any more artistic.
9. She's not down with a threesome, unless it's with a guy. You're 20 years old, in your sexual prime, man. You've got needs, and lets face it, you're naturally predisposed to polygamy. And this crap about getting with a guy is simply ridiculous. The idea of a dude with another dude is just plain filthy. But your girl's got to be willing to explore a little, blur the lines of her sexuality. Otherwise, she's closed-minded and doesn't really care about you.
There's absolutely no reason to continue. I'm sorry, but the perpetuation of the socially crafted opposition between the sexes maddens me. If you want to know what might be wrong with your relationship, examine yourself. That goes for women too, Cosmopolitan runs the same story on this topic at least 16 times a year. Relational problems and their roots can't be broken down into 10 simple reasons, to be memorized like a vocabulary quiz. Attempting to simplify interpersonal relationships is ludicrous and creates more problems than it solves.
