These Hard Luck Bones

This transcends Massachusetts.

With the edge that comes from a 2-0 World Series lead, possibly 3-0 with the Sox in control 4-0 tonight, there is only one thought on the minds of sports fans across the United States: what incredible way will the Boston Red Sox find to blow it?

Now, don't get me wrong, this could be the year. They humiliated the most vilified and successful franchise in sports and for that alone I should root them on. I live and die with their stepbrother, the Chicago Cubs, and blood brother, the Boston Celtics. I want Bill Buckner to be able to stroll the streets of Beantown.

Alas, my father has rooted for the St. Louis Cardinals since he was a child and Lou Brock was swiping crazy bases while catcher Tim McCarver was hosing runners down.

Boston has not been flawless; the Cards have simply not played the baseball that led to a 105-57 regular season. Not only that, but the Red Sox won games one and two despite making eight errors. Now I'm no Spike Owen, but I'm pretty sure the '86 Sox, aged to perfection, could've made less than eight errors.

That said, I've been thinking of great ways for the Red Sox to ruin this Mass. Hysteria (all scenarios from a supposed Game Seven):

1. Francona, in a stunning show of American solidarity, allows Donald Rumsfeld to manage. Rumsfeld uses every pitcher on his roster to mount a 75-0 lead, but with no plan to finish, is forced to use rarely used rookie third baseman Kevin Youkilis to pitch. Sox lose 77-75.

2. Bottom of the ninth, no outs, bases loaded. Sox third baseman, and Missouri native, Bill Mueller turns his batting helmet around, a la Larry Walker, and purposely bunts into a triple play.

3. The entire Boston team catches a mean case of scurvy from revealed pirate Johnny Damon. Forced to start their entire Triple A affiliate, Pawtucket Red Sox ace Scott Cassidy throws eight near perfect innings, only allowing a solo shot to Cards' DH John Mabry. Unfortunately, Boston traded away any offensive talent in their system, and Jeff Suppan throws a perfect game. With his non-throwing hand.

4. Up all night watching baseball movies before Game Seven, Cards manager Tony LaRussa does the unthinkable, breaking his own grandson's arm a la Henry Rowengartner and letting Joseph Gordon Levitt take over as manager. Edgar Renteria steals home three times, Mabry fools Manny Ramirez with the hidden ball trick, "Ed" the monkey turns two unassisted double plays and Robert Redford hits a monster shot, knocking out all the lights in left field. So Taguchi peels back his batting gloves to reveal that they belonged to his mother.

5. Tied at 2 in the top of the ninth, gutsy pitcher Curt Schilling lays out for a suicide squeeze by Edmonds. The skin holding his tendon in place snaps as he makes a picture perfect throw home, but catcher Jason Varitek is too busy vomiting to apply the tag. Mark Bellhorn bunts foul with two strikes, Sox lose 4-3.

6. Top of the ninth, Sox up 1-0, one out, man on second. In a routine move, Francona calls on normally reliable first basement Doug Mientkiewicz as a defensive replacement. Cards centerfielder Jim Edmonds hits a slow roller to first, fielded cleanly by Mientkiewicz for out number two. Buckner storms out of his front row seat to celebrate, tackling Mientkiewicz as, in a bizarre twist of fate, Cards pinch runner Ray Knight comes around from second to tie the game.

7. Sox win. Ghost of Ruth swoops in and grabs trophy. World ends.

I can't be positive, but I'm pretty sure one of these seven things are going to happen. And as amazing as that would be, I still don't think there is anything better than hearing both A-Rod and Jeter using words like "embarrassing" to describe their play.

Cubs in 2k5.