"A in Philosophy, F in Basic Storytelling"

Want to know the meaning of life?

Better put that question on hold because after walking out of the philosophically oriented, existential comedy, "I Heart Huckabees," the only question worth asking will be "What was the meaning of this movie?"

Not even a team of classical Greek philosophy superstars or an Internet message board of movie-obsessed cinephiles could answer that one.

"I Heart Huckabees," directed by David O. Russell ("Three Kings"), features Jason Schwartzman ("Rushmore") as Albert Markovski, a tree-hugging, environmentally active poet who seeks the meaning of life after coincidentally bumping into a tall Sudanese refugee on three separate occasions.

Albert hires existential detectives Bernard and Vivian Jaffe, played by Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin, to solve Albert's mystery and help enlighten Albert about life and its interconnectedness. They follow Albert everywhere, trying to understand and analyze every morsel of his life.

"Will you be spying on me in the bathroom?" asks Albert.

Meanwhile, Albert begins a crusade to save a marshland from Brad Stand, played by Jude Law ("Cold Mountain"), a corporate-minded blowhard and representative for the Huckabees' retail chain. Brad's girlfriend, Dawn Campbell, played by Naomi Watts ("Mulholland Dr."), is the beautiful cover girl for the Huckabees' commercials.

Albert teams up with Tommy Corn, played by Mark Wahlberg ("Boogie Nights"), a fireman whose marriage just ended because his wife got fed up with his philosophical mumbo-jumbo.

Some audience members may feel the same urge to divorce themselves from their theater chair because of the movie's mumbo-jumbitude.

Although Hoffman's character preaches that, "everything is connected," the bits and pieces of the movie are not.

The plot is just a mess. The characters are all miscast except for Hoffman and Tomlin and each have their own agenda and their own little subplot that make the movie an entangled heap of disorder.

One minute Albert and Tommy are having an in-depth debate on the meaning of life with their newfound French philosophical mentor, Caterine Vauban, played by Isabelle Huppert. The next, Albert and Caterine are going at it doggy-style in a swampy marsh. They even dunk each other's heads in the mud as foreplay.

What the dickens?

It's unfortunate that such a gifted cast, a proven director, and a richly creative plot fell short of its potential. It had the intellectual quality to match comedies like "The Big Lebowski" or any Charlie Kaufman film. But the characters lacked chemistry, and Russell's plot lacks direction.

It tries to be too smart, too funny, and too unique. It is simply too confusing.

The main theme of the film contorts from Albert's problem to a strange competition of philosophies between the Jaffes and their former prot?(c)g?(c) Caterine Vauban. While that's going on, Brad and his girlfriend Dawn hire the existential detectives for their own lives and Tommy Corn, Albert's "other," continually pounds a giant red ball against his forehead.

It's almost impossible to grasp what's going on. Even if one can follow the vast web of subplots and philosophical absurdity, the moviegoer still won't give a hoot about the characters. This forces a sense of numbness to the whole movie experience.

Behind the muddle of subplots and universal disarray, the film goes back to where it began: Solving Albert's problem. But at this point, it's too late. No one cares about Albert, the Jaffes, Tommy Corn, or the meaning of life.

One will leave the theater in deep contemplation: Not about the meaning of life, but about the multitude of other ways $8 can be spent.