Starvation is a major problem in Somalia, but I'm sure a lot of UB students say they can relate as well. One night I was so desperate for food I ate two-week-old lasagna. I just ate around the mold. This type of action, however, should only be called upon in rough situations. You don't want to touch bread, or any food for that matter, that has county colors on it (i.e. orange fuzz).
Since there is no Wendy's $0.99 menu in my kitchen, and money isn't growing on the tree in my backyard, I am constantly scrounging up whatever I can find. I sometimes eat Lucky Charms for all three meals. So here are some tips and discoveries I have stumbled upon that can improve your eating habits.
Show me the Krispies: I have two words for you - Spray Butter. This stuff is amazing. It's movie-theater butter bottled into a spray-able container and it instantly makes every meal golden, a la the Midas touch. Best of all it works for everything including waffles, vegetables, baked potatoes and Rice Krispies.
Getting even with Sbarro: Every mall in America has a Sbarro. While each one is a little different, one thing is disgustingly consistent: the price per slice. Apparently their pizza is made of diamonds and the company feels the need to charge $1 million per slice. Plus, the manager at the Boulevard location is Buffalo's version of the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld. But Sbarro's dirty little secret is that their breadsticks cost only $0.50 each. You can get two of these with a side of sauce for a buck - not a bad deal.
Ravaging the Mall (can be combined with above): I work at the mall, but before I did I always used to tell the food court cashier that I was a fellow mall employee. It's a 25 percent discount and the teenager whose face looks like a Nestl?(c) Crunch bar won't know. I like to use Hot Topic or a Kid's FootLocker. You don't have to use those, it's just something I like to do.
Fry Stacking: Next time you're at McDonald's, get a McChicken sandwich and one-dollar fries. Since the McChicken is just a nugget on steroids, it's not very filling. What you do is take some fries and load them onto the sandwich. It doubles the size of it and tastes like a frat party in your mouth.
Check your Food: Always check your food before eating it. I can't stress this enough. Aside from the possibility of having something nasty in your food like a ladybug (dorm people especially), there might be a cash future in it for you. This one time I ate a whole bowl of cereal without looking and when it came time to slurp the milk I looked down and saw little tiny maggots swimming around like it was an Olympic pool in there. Whoops!
Scavenging: Ever have a roommate who chows down on something good and then throws it away after two bites, while in the meantime your stomach is digesting itself? I do (actually I have five of them) and I'm not afraid to say "Hey, if you're gonna just throw that away, can I have it?" The timing is key on this, it has to be exactly at the right moment. If you ask too early you will be seen as selfish and homely. If you ask too late and they already have half of it in the garbage, they might shoot you a look like you're "Flip," the South Campus neighborhood can-collecting bum. Eventually it will grow on them, and soon they will start offering you their food like you're a human garbage disposal.
Honorable Mentions: Other foods that I did not have time to get around to include: mayo, bacon, tuna out of the can, ice cubes, pepper and chicken helper fried rice.
Okay, I have to go, but remember this kids:
Knock, Knock?
Who's there?
Spray Butter ...
NO! Butter can't tell jokes!
Photo: Courtesy of Laron Fomby
