Second to baseball, I'm convinced that our national pastime must be giving advice. As Americans, we all love telling others what to do; whether we're showing the Iraqis how to form a democracy or our younger siblings how to make water-balloons, our natural tendency is to assume a position of expertise. The chief culprits of advice giving, however, are not the politicians or the lawyers or even our teachers and professors - no, the blame lies on the shoulders of our parents, and their favorite topic is, of course, how to survive in college.
I know I'm not the only student who suffers from a semesterly reminder from Mom that I need to sit in the front of class, study regularly and drink lots of water. But I've got to admit, I'm ready to turn the tables on Mom and Dad. That's because I have a better list, and I'm sure you're already intimately familiar with its contents. When your mother tries to give you advice on how to succeed, just counter her with this list, "The Top 10 Ways NOT to succeed in College."
10. The Student Union - Before the Student Union was built there was no logical place for students to congregate. In fact, that was one of the influential factors in the initial layout of North Campus. Once the Union was created, however, UB doomed its students to constant distraction. Just think about how many times you've blown off class in favor of sitting down with friends, talking with the friendly recruiters at the ever-present tables or simply become distracted by the temptation of a strawberry Smoothie.
9. Smoking - I don't even smoke, and I still go outside with my friends for smoke breaks. Everyone knows that smoking sucks, but during the winter it's nearly impossible to smoke between classes and get to the following course on time. And, if you're lazy (like all students are), you'll skip your entire lecture if you're just 30 seconds late.
8. Sleeping- The average American spends about a quarter century of his life unconscious. However, the average college student manages to sleep for nearly four consecutive years. I remember waking up at 6 a.m. every day in high school. Now I take evening naps when I'm forced to wake up before noon.
7. CNN.com - Try making this your homepage. Every day, after turning on the computer, you'll spend at least 15 minutes reading about foreign conflicts, new tech-gadgets and common-sense "discoveries" by the medical community.
6. Watching fish - You're only allowed to have one type of pet in the dorms, and it happens to be the most boring, stupid organism ever discovered. Despite this, somehow they're so mesmerizing that you will literally spend hours watching them do absolutely nothing.
5. Wegmans - Forget mall-rats; you and I both know that Wegmans is the place to loiter when boredom strikes. Their delectable subs, shiny-object aisle and candy-sampling station are truly the antithesis of production.
4. The Wellness Center - If I can't get a job after graduation, I think I'll permanently move into 222 Student Union. Their Web site states it best: "Enjoy soothing music, heated, vibrating massage chairs and free hot herbal tea." They have a masseuse on Tuesdays, and sometimes provide complimentary crunchy M&Ms.
3. Video games - The Japanese assured eventual doom for our entire economy when they exported Nintendo to the United States. Now Microsoft has entered the fray, equally intent on bleaching the minds of America's future. But I sure do love playing Madden.
2. Thursday night - Not only do Buffalonians start drinking Thursday afternoon, but they don't stop until 4 a.m. on Friday. The following morning, everyone is hung-over and completely useless. Maybe our city is economically behind by 15 years because we essentially have just a four-day workweek.
1. Instant Messenger - If there were signs of a coming apocalypse, they'd be completely ignored because everyone now spends 14 hours a day having conversations that they could resolve in two minutes over the phone. Even when no one is available to talk, we sit and endlessly check and recheck away messages. This black hole of productivity threatens to swallow our greatest academic minds in a maelstrom of pointless chatter. Lol brb :o).
I hope you've enjoyed the last 5 minutes of your life, because you're never getting them back. Speaking of which, why don't you follow your mother's advice and go to class? Trust me, there are enough distractions along the way to ensure that you never make it.
