There is only one thing necessary to make everything better. And it is written on all our faces. We want it. We desire it. We are in dire need of it.
We need more cowbell.
You know that kid from "Problem Child," Junior Healy? Well, kids, Michael Oliver is back. And when I say back, I mean that he made "Problem Child 2" in 1991.
Remember "Super Sloppy Double Dare?" That was the best. I can still remember with pain viewing those stupid, stupid kids act like the giant nose was a real nose and not go all out for that flag. Seriously, how terrible! I could've owned that show. How about the kids who couldn't lift up the giant waffle or got lost in the big butter pad? I think I have their nightmares sometimes. Or maybe they are Marc Summers' nightmares. But they definitely involve "What Would You Do?"
And remember on "Salute Your Shorts" when Bobby Budnick gave Dina his Steve Vai guitar pick and she covered it in glitter and made it into an earring for him? Man, was that an ugly earring or what? Thank God it wasn't the real pick, or else I would've broken a second color TV by age 11. The first time, you ask? Let's just say I took the phrase "Aggro Crag" a little too seriously.
"Do-do-do-do you have it? G.U.T.S.!"
For those of you without cable, how about the entirely forgettable career of Tori on "Saved By The Bell?" She was out the door in a hurry. After Albert Clifford and Zack tangled for her, you knew there was going to be heat from the censors. Richard Belding didn't deal well with violence on his television program, I mean, high school.
What about how awful Valley was every year for the Bayside/Valley rivalry? Valley never won anything! I think if Slater would've torn his ACL drumming for Zack Attack, things would've been a whole lot different. Zack got hurt in his rare moment of athletic prowess as a basketball star, but was anyone really worried? Slater was the stronghold of any team. I'd go as far to say that Slater was Red Grange, "the Galloping Ghost," of the early 90's.
Last, but certainly not least, when Zack found out Kelly couldn't make it to prom, how did he get that kicking foil banner that said "Zack and Kelly's Prom" inside of a week? Morris had to be slinging dope.
How about the disparity between "The Mighty Ducks", "D2: The Mighty Ducks Are Back", and "D3"? In the first installment, Charlie "Pacey" Conway could barely skate or even take a dive. In the sequel, he gives up his jersey so Russ "Knuckle Puck" Tyler could take his first crack at ice-skating in the championship game of the Junior Goodwill Games, games I might add that probably don't exist. In "D3", Conway is a mad man, scoring goals at will and enjoying Nine Inch Nails. This is almost as believable as Trinidad and Tobago bringing their entire country to the games and playing steel drums when their team scores, down 4,794,357 to one.
Speaking of cinema, "The Passion", the new Mel Gibson film about the last twelve hours of Jesus Christ's life, really intrigues me. At first, there was all this talk about it being in both Greek and Aramaic without subtitles. I, for one, loved that idea. Apparently, the subtitles have been added in now. What's most intriguing? How is Mel Gibson going to play a Middle Eastern man in his early 30's and darker than just about every role he's ever played?
That song in the training scene of "Mike Tyson's Punchout" was so good it made me want to cry. It was turned into a punk rock song by a band, and I can't find the mp3, which really, really angers me. The world needs more covers of theme songs. My personal choice would be to see DMX use the old "NBA on NBC" theme as a sample. The best odd cover though is easily Botch - possibly the best hardcore band ever - playing "O Fortuna!"
I've really grown tired of people bashing each other's taste in music. I personally feel that Godsmack's music is a vile form of art, but that doesn't mean someone should be discredited for liking it. I personally know that 90 percent of the people in the world disagree with the "indie crowd" in music, so I guess that makes "indie kids" the minority. Think about that.
It's a shame that the Police are not held in the same universal regard as other seminal 80's band like the Smiths, Joy Division and the Cure. Songs like "Message In A Bottle" and "Spirits In The Material World" are works that no one has been able to even come close to copying.
Last, and most importantly, that band that you see at your terrible Chippewa/Elmwood bar is really not very good at all. Anyone can cover Dave Matthews. Even John Mayer.
