This Just In: You Suck
March Moolah Contest Cancelled
Put this paper down. Stop reading this column and put this paper down. Get rid of it, toss it away, and actually pay attention to your professor for once. You had better get used to it; there won't be anything for you to read next year.
And guess what, it's all your fault.
You don't deserve to read this column. You don't deserve to have this newspaper. You don't deserve me, and you don't deserve the rest of the staff.
During the SA elections, when you were supposed to go out and vote "yes" to support a Spectrum subscription fee increase to $3, where were you? We actually won the vote, as 60 percent of those that did vote supported us, but not enough people voted to make it count. A certain percentage of the undergraduate population had to vote and I guess you were all too busy.
It wouldn't bother me if I really thought you were too busy to vote, but let me share an interesting fact with you: more people entered the March Moolah contest than went to the voting booths last week.
So let me get this straight. When there are prizes to be won and we're giving you something for free you all come out of the woodwork and love our newspaper. But when we need you to vote to help keep our newspaper alive ... you people make me sick.
It only takes one minute of your time to vote, I know, I timed it. I had never voted before, didn't know how to use the machine, it still only took me a minute. I know you spent more time on your bracket than that. Honestly, picking Creighton to win it all must have taken at least 10 minutes of thought.
You people can all go to hell. I'm graduating, so this does not directly affect me at all. Next year, I hope some sleazy SA officers try to bump their stipends, or steal money from the budget, or bring in Winger for spring fest - because y'all won't know about it until it's too late. You'll read about it in Visions (and you'll be reading Visions because there isn't anything else to read since you've already read the only two entertaining paragraphs in Generation, as is their quota) when they put a nice spin on it and tell you how great it was to bend you over and screw you up the arse and how much you enjoyed the experience.
I am especially disappointed in the athletes that didn't vote. What are you going to do without a student newspaper? You think Generation is going to come out to your games? They don't even know where you play. How are you going to get the word out about how your 1-235 record is a direct result of a lack of student support?
You think the Buffalo News is going to cover you? Let me tell you something about the Buffalo News: there is no competition, so they don't care! People in Buffalo either get their sports news from the Buffalo News or they don't get it. So what incentive does the Buffalo News really have? None. It's going to be the same piece of garbage that it's always been until somebody steps up and says, hey I can do better.
You won't find the Buffalo News printing up a big four-page insert for UB football. They won't be at your soccer game. They won't be at your baseball game. They won't watch you play tennis either. They won't be at the MAC Football Championship game, or the MAC Basketball Tournament unless someone from UB gets there. On the sports radar of the Buffalo News, UB's sports come somewhere between "the Outdoors page" and "High School Spotlight" in terms of importance. If they send Amy Moritz to your games, you're obviously not a very important story.
So this is my last hurrah. One parting shot to tell all of you (not just the athletes that didn't vote now I'm back to all of you) how much I despise you. By now you're probably wishing for bad things for me in the future, thinking I'm some English major who learned nothing that he can use in the real world. Think again. I'll be graduating with an Electrical Engineering degree and I write for the Associated Press and Buffalo Sports Report, so I can still get in to anything I want for free.
That's a big f-you right there, and I hope you illiterate SOBs read it loud and clear.
And while I'm at it, that "questions or comments" thing that appears at the end of most of our articles, that's BS. We don't care what you think; stop e-mailing us, you annoying fockers. That goes for that spectrum-me address too, I don't give a damn about your f-ing hippie opinion on the war or how racist you think we are.
Oh, and by the way, we're keeping the prizes for the March Moolah contest, which as of right now is officially cancelled. What are you going to do, sue us?