Dear Loud-Mouth Sabres Fan:
I broke up with my girlfriend of three years six months ago and haven't been on a date since then. I transferred to a new department where I work and met "Cindi." I think she's interested in me, and I'm definitely interested in her. But I'm concerned that I may not be ready for another relationship so soon. What if I jeopardize the collegial atmosphere of our work place? Can you help ease my concerns?
Nervous in Niagara Falls
Dear Nervous:
Here we go Sabres, here we go! Let's go Buffalo! HSBC Arena rocks! Whoo! Arrggh! Maple Leafs? More like Maple Sucks! Sabres need to kick some a--! Where's No. 32? Where's the Rayzor? It's time to sharpen the Rayzor, Ruff! Come on, let's chant! We-Want-Ray! We-Want-Ray! Chant with me, damn it! Oh, there he is! Yeah! Go Ray! Ray! Ray! Ray! Okay, fine, that was a good shift. Short but sweet, baby!
Dear Loud-Mouth Sabres Fan:
My parents finalized their wills last week, and not to sound ungrateful, but my sister gets more than she deserves! For example, my mother wants "Beth" to have her antique tea set. It's worth almost nothing and it will sit in Beth's cupboard gathering dust. Beth knew I wanted that tea set and asked for it just to spite me. It galls me that my mother doesn't recognize this. How can I bring this up without looking like a spoiled brat?
Angry in Amherst
Dear Angry:
Let's go guys, pick it up! Pick it up! You're in the offensive zone! Kick it out to the point! Out to the point! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Get the rebound! Get the rebound! Get it in! Hey, Warrener was interfered with! He grabbed his jersey! Are you blind Magoo? Sundin grabbed his friggin' jersey! Do you need glasses, you moron?! God! Buddy, you tell me to be quiet again, I'm gonna beat your a--!
Dear Loud-Mouth Sabres Fan:
My husband of 20 years is a loving, caring man, a terrific provider for our three children and the best friend I could ever hope to find. Our marriage is perfect except for one thing: he's lousy in bed. His lovemaking style is like a drunken elephant rooting around the in dark for that last peanut. I think the last time I had an orgasm with him in the room was during the Reagan administration - the first one. What can I do to bring up the subject without insulting the man I love?
Horny in Hamburg
Dear Horny:
Let's hustle! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle! Watch the blue line! Watch the blue line! What? Don't dump the puck in! Jesus Christ! We aren't paying you $1 million to not score goals Gratton! You suck! What a waste of money! My grandmother with Alzheimer's can dump in the puck! God! Wha-? Gratton's got the puck! Score! Goooooooal! Yeah! You rock Gratton! Best million we ever spent!
Dear Loud-Mouth Sabres Fan:
My neighbors are the most inconsiderate couple I have ever met! When loud music isn't emanating from their house at all hours of the night, the paper-thin walls fail to contain the sounds of their loud, vulgar arguing! They improperly dispose of their garbage, so it scatters across my lawn their pit bull thinks is her toilet. When I came home from work to find them constructing a fence two feet over the property line on my side; that was the last straw. What legal recourse can I take against these people? I know murder is illegal, but what else can I do?
Going Crazy on Grand Island
Dear Crazy:
Yeah, Toronto sucks! We kicked your ass in WWI, you stupid Canadians! You're a bunch of stupid Canadians! You can't do anything about that because you're stupid and you suck! Hey! Too many men on the ice! Too many men on the ice! Goddamn ref! Defense! Defense! Get your ass in gear Smehlik! Don't blow them kisses! Nooooo! How you could let them score! Biron, I'm gonna have your mother for that! I can't believe you couldn't stop such an easy shot! Anyone could have! Anyone but you! Loser! Boooooooooooo!
Dear Loud-Mouth Sabres Fan:
Worried in Williamsville
Dear Worried:
Hey, don't tell me what to do jerk! I ain't sittin' down buddy! I paid my $85 bucks for this ticket and I'm going to use it to support my team like a real fan! I don't care if I make your kid cry! If she can't take it, then you shouldn't have brought your daughter. Hockey's a rough sport. She shouldn't be interrupting other people's enjoyment! Ooh, big man going to get security! Big man having someone else fight his battles for him! Baby! God I hate the Maple Leafs. Go Sabres! Beat Toronto! Whoo! Where's my giant foam cowboy hat and air horn?
