What do you do when you when you decide to bring your Tinder date home but all three of your roommates are there?
Don’t worry kids, Charlotte Valentine’s got your back.
College is the perfect place to experiment with your sexuality. And you’re provided with all the optimum apparatuses.
A whole campus full of people. No parental guidance. And your very own extra-long twin bed.
But for many students, the biggest c––kblock at college is the very place they live: the dorm room.
Doing the deed in a dorm is not ideal, especially when you live in a Red Jacket quad.
So when you and your consenting partner are, in the famous words of Will Smith, ready to get jiggy with it, the next best place to go is a car.
It’s moderately private, it’s moderately comfortable, it’s basically the perfect spot.
For those students who don’t have a car on campus, don’t fret! You can currently join Zipcar for free –– happy Earth Month to you –– and can move your sexy-time to a self-service car.
That’s a popular spot for most students at UB too, according to UPD Deputy Chief Joshua Sticht.
“We do find people having intimate relations in parked cars quite often,” Sticht said. “In those cases we just check the welfare of the parties involved to ensure that everyone involved is consenting and not intoxicated to the point where consent is not possible.”
If you aren’t into car sex, I can’t blame you there.
For those breezy, 60-degree spring semester nights, bring your date down to Baird Point. If you plan it right, you can host an entire romantic evening –– complete with a happy ending –– all in one spot.
Bring a picnic and watch the sunset. Smoke a blunt and stargaze. And once you know the coast is clear, feel free to fornicate.
I suggest bringing a blanket –– concrete is not your friend –– or try expanding your horizons with some standing-sutra. (And if you try any of the crazy yoga sex positions, let me know how it goes.)
For the more adventurous crowd, try out the roof of Harriman Hall.
While the building is right in the center of South Campus, the roof is so private, it’ll basically feel like your own private balcony. Balcony sex is cool, James Bond did it.
But I won’t tell you how to get there, you’ll have to figure that one out yourself.
If you’re really down for a thrill –– or an overtly public quickie –– you have indoor and outdoor options.
For the brisk April days ahead of us, Knox 20 is the prime spot. Or, if you’re looking for something a bit more intimate, reserve one of the private cubicles in the Lockwood Library.
Once the Buffalo weather calms down, make the Walter Kunz Stadium bleachers your new go-to.
“It’s kind of cold so you have to go when it’s warm out,” an anonymous source said. “But also when the f––king architecture kids aren’t doing intramural soccer.”
So I would maybe suggest going after dark.
For all you bougie folks who feel like sex requires a mattress, try renting an Airbnb. If you’re trying to keep your sex life “special” and “meaningful,” you can find rooms for as cheap as $20 per night.
Or you could just go the easy route and talk to your roommates to reserve a time to do it in your own bed.
If you or someone you know fear or have experienced sexual assault, there are a number of local resources. Students can make an anonymous report on UB’s website, through the Office of Equity, Diversity and Inclusion (716-645-2266), Crisis Services of Erie County (716-834-3131) and UPD (716-645-2222). For off-campus emergencies call 911, Amherst PD (716-689-1311), Buffalo PD (716-851-4444) or the New York State police 24/7 sexual assault hotline for college campuses (1-844-845-7269).
You can reach the opinion desk at email@example.com.
Stay tuned for another sex column by Charlotte Valentine on April 8.