F––k me right or f––king leave
How to make sure your needs are a priority
We’ve all been there –– you start seeing someone new and everything is great. You really just click.
Then you have sex for the first time and you don’t click at all.
You’re devastated. You thought they were really great.
But seven minutes? How can someone be so selfish?
Were you lying about your experience? Did you even try to find my clit?
When we started dating, I don’t think my ex even knew what a female orgasm was. And despite all the shitty things Christian did, one thing he –– eventually –– did right was make me cum.
But it wasn’t without me asking first.
After my 30-minute crash course on “what buttons to push and when,” the entire dynamic of our relationship changed.
I was happier because I was finally getting what I needed. And he was happier because he finally knew how to deal with my attitude problem.
We aren’t alone in these disappointing, mediocre experiences –– 69 percent of Gen-Z women reported they aren’t satisfied in the bedroom.
Thirty-two percent even said they crave “amazing sex” over food.
In an era of sexual liberation, open conversations about sex have become increasingly common. So why is it still so hard to ask for what you want in bed?
There are a lot of different reasons you might want to talk about things happening in the bedroom, and each reason comes with the potential for an awkward conversation. But it is important to be open and honest with any kind of intimate concern.
Sometimes we’re hesitant to give advice because we don’t want to point out someone’s shortcomings.
But if the sex is short and you haven’t been cumming, you should say something.
Try approaching the situation as more of a learning experience than a sexual criticism session.
Instead of listing all of the things they do wrong, list the things you prefer. Rather than bashing their sexual experiences — or lack thereof — say “I like when you do this and you should try doing this too.”
If you want to try something that you’re embarrassed to talk about, there are ways to go about that conversation too.
I made my boyfriend take a BDSM test to see how compatible our kinks are.
When I saw that each of our highest results were “vanilla” –– his at 59 percent and mine at 73 –– I found out what I already knew. Even though I wasted 30 minutes of our time, it opened up discussion about new things we would like to try.
Every so often, someone will try something new, and it’s just not a hit.
When your partner does something, and you aren’t into it, open communication is critical. And, pro tip: don’t spring your weird kinks on someone without warning, that’s not cool.
Some people are into things that others aren’t, and that’s OK, but making sure you’re on the same page moving forward is key to ensure sex remains consensual and positive for everyone involved.
You have to make your boundaries clear. While it can be nerve-wracking to tell someone that you didn’t like “that thing they did when they tried to tie you up like a pretzel without warning,” –– unless you want them to think you were into it –– you need to make your feelings known.
Maybe that means no more mid-sex surprises, but maybe that’s not a bad thing.
If you’ve tried talking with your partner about your needs, likes or dislikes, and they aren’t responsive, it’s time for a new conversation.
The “it’s not me, it’s you” conversation.
Because someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries, especially sexual ones, does not have a place in your life.
Everyone deserves to have relationships –– platonic, romantic or sexual –– with people who listen to their concerns and respond accordingly.
And if you feel too uncomfortable to talk with your partner about these things, that’s a sign things aren’t working out.
These conversations aren’t easy, but they’re important.
And if someone is willing to eat you out, they should be willing to hear you out, too.
If you or someone you know fear or have experienced sexual assault, there are a number of local resources. Students can make an anonymous report on UB’s website, through the Office of Equity, Diversity and Inclusion (716-645-2266), Crisis Services of Erie County (716-834-3131) and UPD (716-645-2222). For off-campus emergencies call 911, Amherst PD (716-689-1311), Buffalo PD (716-851-4444) or the New York State police 24/7 seual assault hotline for college campuses (1-844-845-7269).
You can reach the opinion desk at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Stay tuned for another sex column by Charlotte Valentine on March 25.