Most people wait five days after meeting a girl to set up a first date. My parents are not most people. Five days after meeting, they were engaged. And a week after their engagement, they were married.
This is a love story. Not your typical one but a love story, nonetheless.
I was born in Buffalo and have lived here my entire my life. But the nature of my parents' marriage has given me insight into arranged marriages. Although I personally don't wish to have one, I have come to appreciate and admire the relationship my parents have.
My parents were born and raised in Sri Lanka, where the concept of arranged marriage, even today, is a common one - not to say "love" marriages don't exist. But as far as arranged marriages go, my parents' marriage was even more unique.
According to my mom, a man and a woman were typically given about six months to get to know each other before they were officially married. But because of the distance between my parents, they were unable to have that "courting" time.
My mom moved to the United States in 1978 and was a banker while going to school at Pace University and the American Institute of Banking in Manhattan to study accounting. My dad, however, was a doctor in Sri Lanka.
In the summer of 1981, my mother's father approached his friends and one recommended my dad as a suitable partner for my mom. My grandfather then made sure my dad had the qualifications his future son-in-law should possess, like some sort of '80s version of Match.com.
He had to be Catholic, have a profession that could support his wife and future children and have a family my grandfather approved of. My dad fit the bill.
On Aug. 23, 1981, my dad met my mother at the airport when she landed, the first time she saw him and spoke to him. Five days later, they had their engagement party.
Their first date was actually the day after they were officially engaged, an experience my mother called "strange." She wasn't used to going out without her family, but she remembered the movie they went to was horrible. My dad spent the night - in a separate room, of course.
On Sept. 5, 1981, they were married. But for the next two months, my mom would be thousands of miles away from my dad, until his green card and other immigration papers were cleared.
I always found it difficult to comprehend how two people who barely knew each other were able to start a life together, especially in a country neither was really familiar with. The struggle my parents endured might seem crazy to me, but my parents didn't see it that way.
My dad told me he didn't see it like that. Yes, it was difficult but that was understood. It was common and though they struggled, they were going to make it work. And if I am allowed to be proud of my parents for that, I most certainly am.
My mom said it wasn't strange at the time. She knew what her life was going to be like and she made the most of it.
I asked my parents why their marriage worked so well and they both had different explanations.
My mother said it was because the foundation of their relationship was honesty and trust - something she said was inherent and not planned. She said nowadays you don't know the true person you are dating until you get to a certain point. She clarified, saying in the beginning of a relationship, you are being the person you want the other person to perceive you as. In her situation, all the cards were on the table from day one, and she and my dad had to be completely honest and trustworthy out of necessity.
Although my dad agreed, he saw and continues to see his responsibilities in the marriage as the driving force of his success. He said he didn't see his motivation as trying to make the relationship work - instead he saw his responsibility as being a good husband and, later, a good father.
They were the ultimate support team and they had to be. They worked together to figure out how to plan their lives, including my mom leaving school to support the family when she was pregnant with my oldest sister in 1984. The only people they really had to lean on were each other and that fact really shines through even today.
My dad said something I will surely keep with me in any relationship I form, whether that be a romantic one or a friendship. He said most relationships fail because each person is more selfish than they are selfless. Being in an arranged marriage has taught him that sacrifice is the key.
My mom said if she could do it all over again, she wouldn't change a thing. And she also admits she was lucky and blessed to have found a man like my dad.
To say my parents have the perfect marriage is not true. They had problems just like every couple does. But the relationship they have had over 31 years together is not only something I admire but also something I strive for.
My parents' arranged marriage is something they really don't talk about often. Not because they are embarrassed of it, but because in their eyes, where they are now defines the relationship a lot more than their humble beginnings. For the most part, they believe the fact they were arranged is irrelevant. It's unimportant. And I agree.
My two sisters and I have learned a lot from my parents. And although we might not follow through with an arranged marriage ourselves - one of my sisters married her husband after meeting him at UB and dating him for seven years - for me, my parents' marriage is certainly an inspiration for my relationship with my future wife.
Email: sam.fernando@ubspectrum.com
