Your Nutrition 101 teacher will tell you that effective weight loss occurs gradually, and that a person must commit themselves to a lifestyle of exercise and healthy eating habits, but I feel that the most affective form of weight loss can be attributed to amphetamines.
However, seeing as Ephedrine has been capriciously yanked from the market, and cocaine is as expensive as eating strip-loin in adherence with the Atkins diet, here are some "not-yet-illegal" weight-loss alternatives:
1.) Fabricated accidents: Hire an unsuccessful make-up artist to decorate dummies with ketchup and plant them under heavy objects along your daily commute. This will facilitate the "fight or flight" response and activate your adrenal gland. Adrenaline contributes to a heightened metabolic rate and is also known to trigger acts of physical exertion.
2.) A random act of violence: Research shows that actively harming someone's well being burns a high amount of calories. The residual flood of guilt and gory flashbacks should successfully cause a loss of appetite. Those who are most dedicated to the cause are bound to develop nervous habits such as looking over their shoulder, or pacing back and fourth which can increase daily activity by 15 percent.
3.) Adopt Zamufoo: Adopting a boy named Zamufoo from Ethiopia not only causes a depletion of household food sources, but also leads to an overwhelming sense of shame. This shame can then be used to suppress gluttonous eating habits. Without training, Zamufoo will look at you ever-so-strangely when seeing you eat Western delicacies such as ketchup, Little Debbie snack cakes and red meat. His muffled confusion should urge you to adopt a simpler diet consisting of coffee, sugarcane and beans.
4.) Liquid meals: Pay someone to shatter your jaw. The average healing time is about two months; so prepare yourself for a delectable selection of chicken broth, condiments and melted ice cream. Food becomes less and less desirable when it is limited to ingestion through a straw. Don't forget, a broken jaw will hinder communication and put a damper on your sex life. Consequentially, mild depression is practically guaranteed. You'll be too busy sleeping the pain away to notice those annoying pangs in your stomach.
5.) Segmented sustenance: Willfully ingest a parasitic flatworm. Tapeworms steal the nutrients that your body would normally convert into fat. In other words, they cut your calories in half! All you have to tolerate is the petty occurrences of malnutrition and intestinal blockage.
6.) Smooching: Making out with someone who has mono will not only bolster their self-esteem, but it will allow you some time off from school or work. Typical symptoms of infectious mononucleosis are constant abdominal pain, aching and severe fever, which should trustily incur a state of helplessness. You won't have the will to go grocery shopping. Hey, it's either that or tuberculosis.
The aforementioned strategies may first strike you as extreme, inane, or inhumane, but this is just an illusion. I dare you to compare them to any of the current developments in the dietary world and not find similarities.
The Atkins diet, the cabbage soup diet, diuretics, Trim-Spa, blow and laxatives are also distorted strategies of weight loss. Ultimately, negligence is what works for us.
Working towards a goal is no longer rewarding. Achievement lost its luster when it stopped coming with scratch and sniff stickers in the fourth grade. When it comes to changing, you often have to trick yourself into doing so. Self-improvement simply calls for an elaborate trick.
So the next time your dog tries to cajole you into taking a brisk walk, take a tennis ball and pretend to throw it really far. After he dashes off, put the ball down on the front stoop and shut the door. After all, the director of Bionutrition at Vanderbilt, Maciej Buchowski, has found that 10-15 minutes of hearty laughter can burn the equivalent of calories found in a thumb sized piece of chocolate.
