The moment I saw "Macho King" Randy Savage obliterate the Ultimate Warrior's skull with his royal scepter, I was hooked.
Pro wrestling, and the World Wrestling Federation (I refuse to say WWE) in particular, have long lauded Wrestlemania as the grand daddy of all wrestling events - and that may be true - but most hardcore wrestling fans know that January's once a year Royal Rumble is the real deal when it comes to Pay-Per-View events.
When I first witnessed the Rumble back in 1991, I, of course, thought that professional wrestling was real. I was shouting right along with Rowdy Roddy Piper when he screamed "not like this, not like this!" as Sgt. Slaughter rolled over the annihilated Warrior and pinned him to snag the World Title. I cried harder than the day my brother broke my TMNT "Mutagen Man" action figure.
Fast forward to 2004.
Wrestling is in a piss-poor state today for a variety of reasons, and nothing could evidence this more than the fact that one of the headlining main event matches for Sunday's Rumble was Bob Holly versus Brock Lesnar. If you don't watch wrestling than I'm positive that you have no idea who Holly is, and that's understandable. But if you do, you know that his gimmick used to be one of the worst of all time back in the mid-90s.
And this is the WWF we're talking about, a company made famous by dressing grown men in "Gobbledy Gooker" (don't ask) costumes and making them hatch from a giant egg.
Holly formerly wrestled as a racecar driver, and was even lower than Skinner "the Alligator man" on the wrestling food chain. Skinner supposedly resided in the Florida Everglades, which in my opinion, is a notch above the NASCAR track, Holly's domain.
But even though Holly was playing a prominent role in this event, the bottom line is that it was still the Royal Rumble. I'm not lying when I say that I anticipate this show months in advance. I swear to you I'll be watching these dudes in zany tights when I'm 92 and wearing Depends.
The Royal Rumble card features a handful of standard wrestling matches like any other wrestling show, but then there is the Royal Rumble match itself - the only reason to really buy the PPV in the first place.
The Rumble match is a 30 man over the top battle royal where two superstars start in the ring and then another comes down every 90 seconds with the last guy remaining being crowned the winner. Sounds like fun, right?
To spice things up and elevate the Rumble even more, my buddies and I began gambling on the event. Each of the 10 people present threw in $5 and picked a number from a hat marked 1-30. So if you drew number 11 that meant that the 11th superstar was yours.
As with any sporting event though, there are favorites and there are those who have no chance of winning. Getting someone like Goldberg or the Undertaker means you might win, but odds are that you end up with Kamala the Ugandan Giant or Max Moon and end up crying yourself to sleep wondering why you bet on professional wrestling.
Luckily for me, the three schleps I got stuck with last year, Eddie Guerrero, Chavo Guerrero and Rey Mysterio Jr., were all involved in one of the standard matches prior to the Rumble. Chavo and Eddie were fighting in the classic "tag team that breaks up and now hates each other" match. This barely ever works in wrestling, as one member (or none) usually rises to stardom while the other flounders in matches with guys like Bastian Booger.
One thing we can all thank God for is the fact that Butch and Luke the Bushwhackers never had one of these types of matches. That would have been a historic five-star match never to be forgotten. Or not.
On the topic of tag team's and crappy guys in the Rumble, the kiss of death is always drawing one half of a tag team. Tag teams are basically thrown into the Rumble as fodder, and if you see Smash from Demolition come down the aisle as one of your picks, it's time to start praying for divine intervention.
My buddy Falcore (yes, the flying dog from the Neverending Story) had the misfortune of getting not one, but both members of the same tag team this year. Poor guy, it must have been pretty sobering seeing Sheldon Benjamin and Charlie Haas venture down to the ring. That's like having Craig Whelihan as your opening day quarterback.
Not that I should talk however, because two of my three picks were complete duds. At the four spot I had Tajiri, this generation's answer to the Orient Express, and that was painful enough.
Sadly, it would get worse. In my own words, my next pick was "lucky number 13." Maybe I confused "lucky" with abortion. At first I was overjoyed when I heard the Undertaker's infamous death bells ring. "This is it," I thought. "The 100 bucks are mine!"
Much to my chagrin however, Undertaker's music was just a ruse to distract his "brother" Kane into getting eliminated. So who was number 13? Why, it was Spike Dudley of course! My dual action ice scraper/snow brush would have a better chance of winning than good ol' Spike. This emotional roller coaster was like the Music City Miracle all over again.
Although two of my guys were spent, I was still able to enjoy other's sorrows. NFLDolfans had the token guy that messes up a move and literally has to throw himself over the top to try and correct his mistake. Always classic.
Serving up the poetic justice, my buddy Paul drew Billy Gunn, who he imitated back in high school in getting his very own belly button ring. Note to readers: never do anything because Billy Gunn (real name Monty Sopp, I'm so not kidding) did it too.
My final pick was Chris Jericho, who, after STUPIDLY putting the Big Show in a submission move (you can only eliminate someone by throwing them over the top and out), was unceremoniously dumped out of the ring. Doesn't anyone ever learn from the Macho Man? That fool tried to pin Yokozuna in the 1993 Rumble and it still "gets my goat" today.
Ah well, only 363 days till the next rumble that is, truly, royale.
