Shakaka!
I'm pretty sure that if Ned Flanders' sons, Rod and Todd, were football fans, they would say that Gregg Williams and the Buffalo Bills "make baby Jesus cry."
If you're an Atlanta Braves fan, you better stop reading now. It's not because I am about to say something "bad" about the Braves, but it's because you're a pathetic fool who roots for the most loseriffic team in all of sports. Go back to the Spaulding Quadrangle and cry yourself to sleep.
Everyone always talks about contracting the usual suspects like the Expos and Marlins, but they really should point the contraction finger directly at Olympic Stadium in Atlanta. The place needs to be burned down. You have the dumbest fans in pro sports - who ripped off Florida State's already lame tomahawk chop - a team full of unlikable choke artists, an owner in Ted "third antichrist" Turner, and to top it off, the games are played on TBS, which airs its shows at :05 and :35 on the hour. I haven't seen that kind of lunacy since my brother put the "Whoomp There It Is" tape into that talking bear Teddy Ruxpin.
And I haven't even gotten to one of my least favorite athletes of all time, Chipper Jones. This guy really has to be kicked out of the league. I don't know why, but it just has to happen. On the other hand, he did sort of contribute to one of the best moments in sports history. We can flip to chapter 231 of "Classic Mets Moments," the one where Mike Piazza said he refused to call a grown man "Chipper," and from there on he and the rest of Shea Stadium derogatorily referred to Jones by his given name, Larry. You know it's bad when Piazza is ranking on you.
I would bet a million dollars that I am not the only one who wishes his name were Johnny Damon.
For six long weeks now I've had to endure the new theme song for CBS' National Football League coverage. It's making me sick. Why, oh why did they change it from that amazing tune they've had since they jacked the American Football Conference from NBC. That song sent chills up my spine in a way that no song has done since the first time I heard the theme to the "Captain Planet" show. How could they do such a thing? The new rendition doesn't even come close to the chills that "Reading Rainbow's" butterfly theme song sent through my body. And let me tell you, that's pretty sad.
Despite having the best winning percentage among active quarterbacks, Miami Dolphins' quarterback Jay Fiedler gets absolutely no respect. And boy, is it awesome. The reason why is pretty easy to pinpoint, however. It probably has to do with the fact that he puts Jeff Van Gundy to shame in the homely department, and that he has a worse chance than Buzz from Home Alone to be featured in an Old Navy commercial like his teammate Jason Taylor. Let's face it - this dude is ugly.
I have a feeling Fiedler may have been the least-laid high school quarterback of all time. The bowling team definitely got more play than this guy, and I would even go out on a limb to say that nobody gives a crap when Fiedler comes home to his hometown in Long Island. His mom probably thinks Dan Marino is still the quarterback of Miami.
So, the New York Knicks signed 37-year-old Dikembe Mutombo during the past week. My thoughts? "@*W) d920f4[9fuq23f!!!" Exactly. Mutombo may have been great at one time, but at this point in his career he has become the biggest stiff the Knicks have signed since Chris Dudley. Even Zeus (also Debo in "Friday") in WWF's Summerslam '89 was more mobile while fighting Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake, and this is a guy who set world records for all-class stiffs. Not a good sign for the orange and blue.
What the Knicks need is for Kurt Thomas to return to form from his college days at Texas Christian University where he led the entire NCAA in scoring. I have a gut feeling that the NBA is one breakout season away from Kurt Thomas-mania sweeping the nation.
Ole "crazy eyes" would get his own "Like Kurt (to the tune of "Like Mike")" commercials, a picture on Wheaties boxes, and of course media attention galore. I can hear it now: "Kurt Thomas is everything that is right with the NBA," says David Stern in a future not so far off. "He's like the perfect concoction of J.R. Reid, Anthony Mason and Jesus Christ himself all rolled into one."
It's so pathetic when you're banking on a Kurt Thomas breakout to save your team.
I love how Major League Baseball acts as if the occurrences of Saturday's Yankees-Red Sox contest are bad for the game of baseball. They need to get off their high horses, because it was AMAZING, and will go down in history as a classic.
Sure, you can't have guys fighting in every game, but once in a while a good fight is just what the doctor ordered. Some of my favorite sports memories are Darryl Strawberry punching Armando Benitez into the dugout, Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson going at it with Van Gundy latching onto Zo's leg, and of course the bench-clearing kickball game brawl in my high school gym class where everyone got involved. I'll cherish those forever.
The starting lineup picture of Sam Adams for the Buffalo Bills game broadcasts has to be one of the best ever. It either looks like there's a six-foot cheeseburger in front of him or he just saw the ghost of Rufio from "Hook."
It is definitely time for the Portland Trailblazers to be regarded as one of our nation's treasures. The Blazers have provided us with countless hours of laughs and entertainment, and it is necessary that they get their just dues.
But what I want to know is, what is it like hanging out with those crazy cats? I would imagine it's a lot like "Fear and Loathing in Portland, Ore." The players probably get dressed up in full gear, get wasted and go swimming in the Pacific ocean for hours on end. Or maybe they all go to the zoo together and check out those "trippy" giraffes.
I can see Bonzi Wells, Qyntel Woods, Rasheed Wallace and the crew slipping Arvydas Sabonis - a.k.a. Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2 - some acid and letting the good times roll. Although I would hope that those around Sabonis are not drugged up, because that would be one heck of a bad trip to witness that bigheaded freak spaz out.
Is there a better commercial on television right now than the one for "the Rascal?" I don't think so. When trying to score humor points, nothing beats old geezers on motorized carts showing up unexpectedly at baseball games and the mall to the joy of their families and of course, myself and the rest of the viewers.
"Thanks, Rascal!"
