Kobe Bryant is making the rest of the players in the NBA look silly. Not as silly as Michael Jordan looked at the All-Star Game with his hiked up Steve Urkel warm-up pants, but it seems as if it's just too easy for the guy. Twelve games in a row with at least 35 points (and eight in a row with at least 40), is unreal. It's like the guy was sent from the future to thrash today's players.
Hopefully, if I find that time machine one day, I can send myself back to the '80s and beat the guy that played Larry Appleton on "Perfect Strangers" for the role. It's my dream to work with Balky Bartacamos, what can I say? I'd even grow out that white-boy curly afro like Larry had. Yeah, that would be pretty sweet.
The problem with print is that you really can't get sarcasm across like you can when you're face to face with someone. If I were to write, "the Dolphins are looking to sign the Steelers quarterback Kordell Stewart; the rest of the AFC East is really up the creek without a paddle now," you wouldn't be able to sense the sarcasm and you would think that I was legitimately worried. Well, hopefully you get it now that I have explained the situation a little.
A few buddies and myself were watching the old flick "Short Circuit" a few weeks ago and it got me really thinking about a certain subject. Who would you call if you found a robot like Johnny 5 in your backyard? Pest Control? What would you say to them? "Uhhhh, I got a robot in my backyard, he's making weird noises and reading books really fast. Could you come and get him out of here?" I think not. You'd probably have to call the same people you would call if you found Yao Ming roaming around in your backyard eating leaves off your trees. Who those people are, I really don't know, but I'm sure they would get there really fast in their black vans.
When I heard that the Celtics had made a minor transaction before the trading deadline last Thursday, I honestly thought that maybe they had traded Vin Baker's rights to the Congo for the Ebola virus. Sadly, Boston really would have come out on top in that deal.
Okay, can someone tell me why every poll that ESPN has about the "most popular athlete in sports" contains Tiger Woods and Lebron James? I guess Tiger is kind of cool, but I'd say the best way to describe him is "nifty," and that's a stretch. I really don't see people going wild about him in the fashion they do for athletes in the four big sports. And c'mon, anyone who buttons the top button on their collared shirt is already waving the "I'm a big dork who shops at Wal-Mart and you can call me Corporal Doofus" flag. Not to mention the guy isn't Muhammad Ali on the mike. Even Bill "This is my impersonation of a stump in the forest" Belicheck shows more emotion when on camera.
And are there even Lebron James fans out there? This really blows my mind, because I'm already starting to get annoyed with this punk kid. If he keeps getting overexposed like he is right now, then he is on the fast track to be on the list of the most disliked high schoolers in history, right along with Dylan Klebold, Kip Kinkel and Ben Affleck's O'Bannion from "Dazed and Confused."
Man, was this whole "Joe Millionaire" garbage extremely drawn out. A two-hour finale just to decide which money-grubber (Zora, who was apparently named after that fish creature from the Legend of Zelda, or Sara, the "slurp" girl) would get the rights to some caveman-looking schlep? I have a solution for Fox that would make this show much quicker and much more entertaining if they ever decided to do it again. Just get 20 girls and throw them in PJ Bottoms along with Joe. In one episode they would have so much scandalous material that it would be dripping out of Fox's ears. Joe would have his girl(s) before you could say "Knibb High football rules!" And all the filming could be done in four hours. Someone really needs to ask me for ideas before they make another reality show.
Apparently it is too late, though. "Are You Hot" is now airing on ABC. What is the world coming to? On the bright side, however, I may have figured out where Mike Tyson has been for the last week or so. Maybe - just maybe - he was trying out for "Are You Hot." Hopefully, for the rest of the world, that pretty-boy judge with the tinted sunglasses made fun of Mike's new facial tattoo and Tyson went hog wild on his arse. I'd love to see Tyson go into one of his classic rants after being insulted by that guy. Tyson would say something like, "I'm gonna steal ya soul, YA HEARD!" Or maybe he would go into one of his now famous, "I'm going to eat your heart and children and then stomp on your testicles" rampages. Pretty-boy's fake tan would probably run right off his face.
Now back due to popular demand, it's the fan poll! This week's mind-bending question is: What would make you soil yourself quickest? Would it be Shawn Kemp bumbling into your front door at four in the morning, the reinstatement of the "Jeff Foxworthy Show," or would it be seeing your pet cat or dog walking around on its hind legs with its front legs outstretched towards you in zombie fashion? Personally, nothing scares me more than the thought of my cat walking into my room late at night on its hind legs; it would just be so freaky. I'd have to jump straight out my second floor window.
Finally, this week's message to the kiddies hustling and bustling at UB. If the UB police give you a parking ticket, just send it back to the UB administration and tell them you refuse to buy them another tie for their martini parties until they either a) cancel school when it snows, or b) actually do something about the parking (not some lame survey)! Fascists.
