Buck Futter!



If you haven't seen the nine or so existing episodes of "Saturday Night Live's" "Celebrity Jeopardy" skits by now, you should do the following: get a box of Pop Tarts from the store, go onto Resnetster and type in "celebrity jeopardy," then proceed to laugh for about an hour as some of the funniest stuff ever to grace American television.

Many a night the boys and I have squeezed into my neighbor's room, cramming for a spot near the computer to try to get a glimpse of Sean Connery bagging on Alex Trebek once again. For this reason and many more, I believe "Celebrity Jeopardy" should be broadcast at regular intervals across America with the purpose of bringing mankind closer to peace.

In the real world, the trivia show "Jeopardy" airs a few shows each year featuring famous Hollywood stars in an attempt to attract new audiences and make the show a little more interesting. As a result, the question selection is very limited so that these nationally renowned non-scholars can have a fighting chance to do well and raise some money for the charities they play for.

So the gods behind "Saturday Night Live" decided to parody this in a recurring skit they like to call "Celebrity Jeopardy" whereby the famous contestants are so dumb that they get every question wrong and bring about an uncannily negative score.

I'm just about to give you a glimpse of how great these really are, but if you're one of those unfortunate people who's never seen an episode of this series, some background would be nice to have before you start to watch. In these skits, Connery hates Trebek because he's Canadian (Connery, of course, is 100 percent Scottish) and constantly berates him because of it. Simple enough? The following dialogue is a good selection from the very funny episode with Robin Williams (Chris Kattan), Catherine Zeta-Jones (Lucy Liu) and Connery as guests:

Trebek: And finally, Sean Connery's also here. [In a hurried tone] Let's move on to Double Jeopardy where...

Connery: Not so fast, Trebek.

Trebek: I really thought that was going to work.

Connery: Well, you were wrong, you mountebank. I pose a conundrum to you; a riddle, if you will.

Trebek: I don't want to hear it.

Connery: What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck ... I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

World masterpieces don't even compare to the next episode featuring Sean Connery, Keanu Reeves (Tobey Maguire) and Hilary Swank (Jimmy Fallon), where Trebek is going over the contestants' answers to the Final Jeopardy semi-question of "Write anything":

Trebek: Keanu Reeves, you look rather pleased. Let's see what you wrote down ... nothing. The question was 'write anything,' and you got it wrong. I'm speechless. Let's see what you wagered ... Eleventy billion dollars. That's not even a real number.

Reeves: Yet.

Trebek: Simply amazing.

The joys of "Celebrity Jeopardy" are many, and may cause a lack of breath from laughing too hard the first time you see one of them. Take my advice, invite some friends over to your place and watch these priceless gems from start to finish. I can guarantee you'll never be able to use the expression "the pen is mightier" without busting out laughing ever again.