Making the least of life
What doesn’t kill you, you should probably take for granted and ignore
A sad fact of life is most people do not know how to prioritize their time.
Nowadays, most people are so concerned with the direction and quality of their existence. Insignificant worries about time, money, school, success, relationships, appearance, work, friends, family and personal health often take priorities over the finer features of life.
As a self-proclaimed guru of time management, I will be breaking down a daily schedule that does not take any of these tragically overemphasized priorities into account. This schedule will try to help you find inner peace by removing all of these glib goals and dreams that dominate most people lives. Instead of caring about things, I want to show how to choose to not care about things and live a life stress-free.
Wake up. Lay in bed for however long it takes for you to accept the fact that you are, indeed, awake. Motivate yourself by telling yourself you don’t really want to spend all day in bed anyway. Get up only after updating your Twitter status about how you don’t want to get up. Eat breakfast after a half-hearted attempt to make an omelet. Eat your runny, raw eggs in silence, with a cup of black coffee. Black coffee is appropriate to match the black emptiness of life.
You don’t have to worry about your personal health or appearance – the unwashed look pays no heed to social norms of personal hygiene. Be sure to tell as many people as you can that you did not shower that morning.
Drive to school in your car that has three parking tickets hidden in the glove box. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say. Sit in the back of every class and take mindless Buzzfeed quizzes and play paper football with the kid in the back-left corner of the room who also isn’t paying attention. Be sure to ignore everything your professor is saying. This way, you can waste time, money and academic ambition all in one go.
Once you have ascertained what ’60s, ’70s, ’80s and ’90s celebrity you are on Buzzfeed, there is no longer any need for you to be in class. Leave 15 minutes after the professor begins lecturing.
Read a couple texts from an acquaintance who wants to meet up for lunch. Friendship is way too much work, so choose to ignore this request in lieu of going to your car to take a nap in the backseat, where you can stretch out your legs. Enjoy the rest of the day’s sunshine by singing along to corny ’00s pop songs in the back of your car and maybe reading a book – but only if the book does not inspire you very much. I suggest reading the scene in Of Mice and Men where (spoiler alert) Lenny dies, and only that scene, multiple times.
Drive home in silence. Allow the calming tranquility from the setting sun to bring good vibes into your overall aura. Arrive home feeling good from the increased amount of vitamin D in your system. Ask your roommates how their days went, but purposely mess up their names, so they know how little you care about them. Think of this as keeping a healthy distance from having any potential friendships. Having friends is a great and terrible responsibility.
Start your night by lying on the floor in your room. Think about doing homework briefly, but then remember you left your backpack in the car. Forget about it, and continue lying on the floor. Eventually, after the floor gets too uncomfortable, decide to move. Think about all the places where you could have tried harder during the day but didn’t, and use all of the leftover energy to drag yourself into bed. End your night the way you started your day, in bed, complaining about insignificant things on Twitter. Fall asleep and dream about nothing.
*Note: This daily schedule is not formatted based on time because time is a social construct that only limits our perception of reality.
This was a satire piece and should taken as such. Happy April Fool’s Day.
Brian Windschitl is an arts editor and can be reached at email@example.com