Not too long ago I was in a stall, doing my business, in my favorite bathroom on campus. Of course I'm talking about the one on the first floor of the Student Union with the seat that curves to and caresses your bottom ever so gently. When, all of a sudden, I saw someone peak through the crack to check if the stall was occupied. We locked eyes and saw into each other's souls during my most vulnerable moment.
He had broken a cardinal rule of the men's bathroom. So I have created a list of rules to help decrease the number of bathroom blunders.
Note: This list is intended for the men's bathroom only. The mystery of the women's bathroom will remain just that, a mystery.
Don't look through the crack of the stalls: Eye contact among men is never acceptable when one is moving his bowels. To avoid this, you can lightly and slowly push on the door. However, with the amount of malfunctioning locks in public restrooms these days, this could cause the aforementioned awkward eye contact. The best method will take teamwork, but if executed correctly is flawless. If on the outside, give a hard knock. The person cleaning the roads on the Hershey Highway will have to clearly state that he is in there with a loud "occupodo." A simple "no" could be confused with "go."
Abide by urinal etiquette: I watched a video in COM101 about urinal etiquette and it was spot on. Unless at a sporting event or concert, don't take a urinal adjacent to one being used. If the stalls are unavailable, as are any non-adjacent urinals stand as far back as you would behind someone at an ATM, then take an additional step back. At that point you may only use your periphs to check if one opens up. Until then, pretend to wash your hands or check your phone. Also, talking at urinals is limited to sports and women. But the starting of drunken chants in a sports venue is always acceptable. Talking at troughs, like those at Ralph Wilson Stadium is never acceptable.
Don't pee on the seat: We are men. We lift up the seat at home and get yelled at all the time for it, so why not do it when no one will yell at you? If you're germophobic then use your foot and lift the seat from the bottom to avoid germs going from your shoe to ground zero. Guys, we have to stick together. Next time you think about peeing on the seat, think about the next time you run into a truck stop guns blazing and need to dump out. If you do pee on the seat, then wipe it off. We all know there are germs there but we don't need a visual reminder.
Be selective when you graffiti the walls of the stalls: If nothing is on the wall then don't be the first to write something. This probably means someone has to clean it or the owners have to pay to replace it. However, if it is clear that they have made no effort to clean it, then have at it. Once you're in the clear, choose wisely what you write. Anything racial is never acceptable. Also, inside jokes are a no-no. If you choose to prank someone by writing a number on the wall with "call for a good time" next to it, make sure that person has truly wronged you - i.e. a cheating ex-girlfriend or school bully. Rhyming poems with no deep meaning is great for a chuckle and takes up some time to get your mind off your situation if you're having a rough time taking the Browns to the Superbowl.
Always leave the stall how you found it: There is never an excuse to shower the floor with toilet paper, even if you do make that germproof "nest." Also, remember to wipe off any residue that finds its way on the seat. There is no reason for the next person to have to deal with that, or worse the person that has to clean it up. Remember, the rule isn't to leave it better than you found it, so I don't expect anyone to clean up anything already there.
Shake it three times you're playing with yourself: Excuse the Good Charlotte reference but it is a good rule of thumb. But there are some exceptions. If you are by yourself and your sole purpose is to get the last drop out, then you're fine as long as no one is there to question your intentions. The hands free method also allows for additional shakes. However, be considerate of others that may become uncomfortable. Finally, if you are wearing khaki or other light colored pants, you may take additional shakes free of scrutiny. The last thing you need is a wet spot on the front of your pants for that big date or business meeting. If this does happen and you suspect someone might notice, simply complain that the water pressure in the sink was too high and it sprayed on your pants before they have a chance to notice by themselves. This will also confirm with them that you did wash your hands -which must be done every time. You may need to sprinkle some light, wet spots on other parts of your pants. But be sure not to overdo it.
Email: bryan.feiler@ubspectrum.com
