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Wednesday, April 24, 2024
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Pawn Stars and Stripes

Ever since Sarah Palin broke the hearts of GOP voters around nation by announcing she's not going to run for president, Republicans have been searching for another name to get overly excited about.

Well now they might have it.

The star of History's Pawn Stars, Rick Harrison, officially announced his intention to join the fray for the Republican nomination on Monday, speaking to a crowd of hundreds outside his pawn shop in Las Vegas.

Harrison made a name for himself by owning the only pawn shop in Vegas that wasn't run by the mafia or a Columbian drug cartel for 21 years. His shop was then selected out of one that applied to be the center of a pseudo-historical television show about fat guys trying to rip off poor people, making them perfect Republican poster boys.

Current GOP front-runners are already taking verbal swings at Harrison's record.

"Harrison has strong knowledge of American history, and he thinks that makes him smart or something," said former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. "It actually just makes him a know-it-all douche."

Many other Republican hopefuls were sharply critical of Harrison's views on the Constitution.

"How can we expect a president to trample over the rights of citizens if he has actually read the Constitution?" said Minnesota representative Michelle Bachmann. "It's downright disgusting."

Some conservative pundits have praised Harrison's business sense. Since the inception of Pawn Stars, the show has become History Channel's top rated series. Gold and Silver pawn shop, Harrison's business, has thousands of visitors each day.

Being a successful businessman has proved to excite idiot voters who think experience in business will translate to intelligent fiscal leadership.

"Owning a business is basically like owning a country; just one is like, way bigger," said some moron from Bald Knob, Arkansas. "I wish the guy that made Pizza Hut would run, I would vote for him."

What's getting most Republicans hot in their pants is Harrison's potential gun rights views.

Gold and Silver Pawn Shop has an extensive collection of antique arms and firearms from many ages, like 17th century muskets to Civil War era rifles. Most of his weapons are still fully functional and could send a lead ball through a commie's skull.

"I like guns," said Dale Walker, a potential crazed gunman from the backwoods of Kentucky who prefers antique weapons. "Mr. Harrison has lots of guns, so that makes me feel like he understands me."

Just like his boisterous managing style, Harrison's promises have sent shockwaves through the GOP field.

Some of his policy ideas include pawning Puerto Rico to Spain until America's next pay day, buying Ukraine and selling it to Russia for a "home-run" profit, and setting up a massive nationalized "cash for gold" operation that buys gold on the cheap from desperate people looking for money to sustain a crippling drug addiction.

Harrison has some big obstacles to overcome from his past.

Unlike most other candidates, Harrison comes from a middle class family, a big turn off for potential conservative voters. He has also been in close contact with the working class while working at the pawn shop he and his father built from the ground up.

"You can't truly understand why the wealthy need to have a commanding domination over the indigent unless you've been pampered your entire life," said William Pennyworth, an entrepreneur who made his billions as a black market organ harvester. "The working class is there to be farmed like cattle, not treated like humans!"

Minor speed bumps aside, candidates all agree that this announcement has breathed new life into the stale primary battle.

Up until Harrison joining, complaints were being lobbed from both sides of the aisle that the debates had grown boring. The initial excitement of cheering for execution and applauding the death of people without healthcare died down and people were waiting for another gay sex scandal to erupt, preferably involving Rick Perry and Romney.

The biggest question conservative voters have now is whether or not this will distract candidates from disagreeing with every move President Obama makes.

"I heard Barack Hussein Obama ate his steak rare at dinner last night," said Herman Cain, former CEO of the worst pizza chain on the face of the earth, Godfathers Pizza. "Are we forgetting about this Socialist injustice?"

Whatever the case may be, it looks as if this late change to the lineup will have absolutely no effect, according to conservative columnist Dick Dickson.

"Mitt Romney is going to win no matter what. Why don't we all just shut the hell up already?"




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