The University Bookstore has introduced a new program this semester that allows cash-strapped students to pay for their textbooks with their internal organs.
"In the past we have accepted severed limbs and first-born children in exchange for planners, bookmarks and folders," said a bookstore representative Thursday. "But we find that the real value comes from organs, namely the liver, kidneys and the heart. We find that students who part with their vital internal organs profit the most and are able cover the costs of more expensive course books."
The program is geared toward upperclassmen, many who have exhausted their credit with previous semesters' expenses and are looking for new ways to pay for their books.
With the hope of maintaining public image and the school's high standards, the store will not be accepting just any organ.
"We've heard about these other schools blindly accepting organs, applying minimal scrutiny and re-selling small intestines on the black market," remarked a university representative who wished to remain anonymous. "Our school strives to promote excellence and we plan to invoke a standard of care when it comes to trading and re-selling our students' vital body parts."
Before payment may be confirmed, students are required to complete a thorough physical examination that consists of several components, each of which costs a small fee of $100.
Components include a test of cardiovascular fitness, a standard colonoscopy, the eHarmony Compatibility test and the Stanley Milgram Obedience assessment. Once candidates are approved, graduate students from UB's School of Medicine will conduct the organ removal procedure in the store's basement.
"We pay the med students in small scraps of cardboard and paperclips," the bookstore representative said. "Most of them are so sleep deprived that they don't even notice that it isn't real currency. Plus, it's a great hands-on learning experience, so all parties are benefitting."
Although there is already a waiting list for the organ-textbook exchange, some students remain skeptical.
"Sure, the University bookstore is convenient and being able to pay with body parts eases some of the financial hardships that come with student life," said Colleen Kent, a junior anthropology major. "But it still can't beat the prices on sites like Amazon or Organexchange.com."
Michael Wallace, a senior mechanical engineering major, ordered all of his fall semester course requirements on a popular college supply website and managed to cover the tab with just one of his kidneys. Such a purchase at the University Bookstore would have cost him at least an esophagus and possibly even a lung in addition to one of his kidneys.
Despite a few skeptics, store executives say that the general student response has been positive.
"Our data indicates a decrease in bomb threats and in-store suicide attempts since the introduction of the organ barter program, and that's crucial," said a store executive, who wished to remain anonymous. "We believe that keeping students miserable but just shy of desperation is key in achieving our ultimate goal – pure, unadulterated evil."
If the new program shows continued success, the store hopes to be able to incorporate even more alternative payment options. Some of the ideas currently being considered include blood sacrifices, the souls of elderly family members and female virginity.
*This article is written as a satire piece*
