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Wednesday, May 22, 2024
The independent student publication of The University at Buffalo, since 1950

Greetings from the world of tomorrow

Yes, by combining the simple ingredients of anti-matter, a Prius and a slightly used VHS copy of 3 Ninjas Kick Back, we the people of the future have developed time travel.
The people of the United States of Newmerica have sent me back to your time to write this opinion column. I have traveled through many years to give you a warning by offering a glimpse into your future and the things that will come to pass.
For some of you, there is good news. What remains of the United States government is no longer a two-party system. Instead, the House and Senate are home to well over a thousand different political parties.
It started with the event that caused Glenn Beck to drown in his own tears – the passing of the Health Care Reform Bill of 2010. The bill was far from perfect, but if it did anything right, it was to push forward in the fight to help update a very defunct system. The bill would only serve to drive the parties apart even farther.
Soon, the Democrats and the Republicans will find themselves not serving the interests of the people of the United States, but instead, chasing after some sort of abstract idea. Both parties will eventually change their names to Liberal and Conservative, respectively, each trying to mold the country under one view. These acts will drive out many the moderates of both parties. The dispelled moderates will form many different parties, while others will split off from the Liberal and Conservative parties, believing that are not extreme enough.
It was during this internal strife within the major parties that a dogmatic libertarian was able to seize the office of the presidency. The nation was stunned. At first it was viewed as the great underdog victory and a return to little federal interference; the country was like Beyond Thunderdome for those years.
Many federally funded projects fell through as the government cut off the money flow. Roads, cities, hospitals and public schools all fell apart. The greatest tragedy came when the president repealed many safety laws, stating that is a choice to wear a helmet or seatbelt.
Most of the extreme libertarians died in the following months, including the president, whose final words to his wife were, "I don't have to wear that thing. What am I, a hippie?"
Two civil wars followed. The first was to fill the power vacuum that existed in the White House and the second was to free ourselves from the bears. We only survived that one after a cunning move involving a fishing line, some honey and a picnic basket.
The extremity was so bad in the government that there hasn't been a president in over 20 years. The last one threw up his arms and retired into the wastelands that were once California, which are patrolled by a group of crazed cyborgs, the last act of a certain governor.
Extremity existed outside the world of government as well. It got really bad when the apocalypse happened.
Yes, the rapture occurred on a tepid Tuesday at 11:42 a.m. Jesus, who turned out to be Chinese, had stumbled onto the set of The Today Show to announce his second coming.
Unsurprisingly, Revelations was wrong and there were no Four Horsemen and all that jazz. Instead, the world watched Last Holiday, starring Queen Latifah. Turns out that is His favorite movie. After preaching a message of peace and love, he was promptly booed off stage and called a hippie.
God then showed up. In fact, He turned out to look like a giant spaghetti monster. The world learned that God does not hate homosexuals and they've always been allowed to marry. It seems Moses zoned out while God was dictating Leviticus to him and was too embarrassed to ask God to repeat what He said.
Both God and Christ have been excommunicated from all churches.
Most importantly…do not drink Pepsi 2. It kind of taste like butt.
And don't panic: UB 3020 is just around the corner.


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