Time froze for 15 minutes on Friday. For a quarter of an hour, the world was locked in on Tiger Woods's first public appearance in nearly four months. With a prepared speech in hand, Woods came out of hiatus and addressed the country in the first of many stages to clear his name of his wrongdoings.
All we wanted were some answers. Why did you back your car into a tree on that late November night? Why did Elin shatter your car window with a gold club? Why did you commit adultery with over 10 women? Why, Tiger, why?!
But all we got was a pre-written, half-hearted speech that made Tiger sound more like The Terminator than an apologetic man. Sigh.
The whole event was staged from the get-go. Woods spoke in front of a hand-selected audience of friends and family members and refused to take questions from the media.
The speech was a joke. Tiger did nothing but dig himself a bigger hole. He answered nothing that I wanted to hear and continued to hide behind his lies and deceptions. He reiterated cliché after cliché and occasionally appeared to almost break down emotionally. Almost.
Woods is lucky he had a speechwriter. But it's unfortunate Tiger didn't get to express his true feelings. In that case, I will do Tiger the honor of transcribing what he really meant to say on Friday morning.
Statement one:
Woods: 'Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly – I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.'
Translation: I know you are all surprised at what has happened during the past few months. I'm sure you didn't peg me as a sleaze-ball. After all, I'm the untouchable Tiger Woods. I'm the greatest athlete to ever walk our planet. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly – I got caught. I can't believe it happened, but you've uncovered my deepest secrets. Damn.
Statement two:
Woods: 'Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss; however, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us.'
Translation: Elin and I have begun to discuss how I'm going to get myself out of the doghouse. There's virtually no chance we will remain married after what I've done. Elin has pointed out that my apologies cannot fix this mess. It will take a good chunk of my near billion-dollar bank account to make this thing go away. Financial terms will be discussed between only Elin and I, but I can guarantee she is going to take me for all I'm worth – and that's a lot.
Statement three:
Woods: 'I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them.'
Translation: There's more to me than a five-iron driver, a sack of golf clubs and multi-million dollar endorsement deals. Behind the scenes, I'm one horny guy. I knew my actions of infidelity were wrong, but I'm Tiger Woods and I can do whatever I want. Without Elin on tour with me, I got lonely. Every man needs some loving, and when you have cash money seeping out of your pores, it's easier to find a piece of a** than to take a breath of air. I've worked my tail off to get to where I am today, and if I want to have multiple women in bed, I'm going to have multiple women in bed.
Statement four:
Woods: 'Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all those families a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.'
Translations: I am the man, the myth, and the legend. I know that children around the world hope to one day be just like me. A word of advice to all of you kids out there – wrap it up and don't get caught. Do whatever you want in life, despite who you may hurt in the end. Let this be a life lesson to hold your secrets as close as possible because once they are revealed, all hell breaks loose.
Statement five:
Woods: 'In therapy I've learned the importance of looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me – my marriage and my children.'
Translation: I never intended for my personal life to interfere with golf. I need to get this thing smoothed over so I can get back on the golf course and continue on my path of becoming the richest man in the world. I recognize my marriage is over and I've lost my children, but the more money I can make, the quieter they'll be.
'I'm sorry' is not good enough. But look at the bright side, Tiger. At least you haven't become the next John Daly – yet.
E-mail: joe.paterno@ubspectrum.com
