Every good writer can hook its reader in with a strong lede. With that being said, I've got two words for you – Jersey Shore.
Do I have your attention yet?
While some of you may have immediately moved on to the next article, I would bet that this column has already garnered more focus than President Obama received during his State of the Union speech last week.
As absurd as that may sound, in all reality, it's the truth. The cast of Jersey Shore has seemingly become more recognizable across America than our commander in chief, Marilyn Monroe and the Pope.
MTV has made use of the golden recipe for television success. Throw eight arrogant and egotistical young adults in a beach house, give them a few unforgettable nicknames and add a couple of signature dance moves. In an instant, you have yourself an award-winning show.
The so-called 'music' television network hit the jackpot over the past few months with its outrageous offspring of The Real World. As if their original reality-television hit wasn't satisfying enough, producers felt the need to bring their cameras to the Seaside Heights to find out just what it's like to spend a summer on the Jersey coast.
America immediately fell in love with the air-headed, greased-up cast of Guidos and Guidettes. Angelina, Jenni, Nicole and Sammi have quickly become the modern-day version Disney's princesses, while Mike, Pauly D, Ronnie and Vinny are their knights in shining armor. The only difference is that this group of royalty didn't make a name for themselves with touching love stories and fairy tale endings.
We were foolishly won over by a six-pack, a poof, a corny romance and a couple of knockout blows to the face. 'Snooki,' 'J-Woww,' 'DJ Pauly D' and 'The Situation' roped us in with their over-the-top nights at Karma nightclub, hot tub rendezvous and excessive use of slang terms such as 'juice head,' 'gorilla' and 'grenade.'
I'll admit that I watched the show. It's kind of hard to ignore something that gets more attention in American pop culture than Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift.
I'll also admit that for a short while, I was slightly entertained. I found humor in knowing that Pauly D owns his own tanning bed and frequently carries a bottle of hair gel in his back pocket. I found it funny that Mike tried starting a gas grill by igniting a bag of charcoal. And I really got a kick out of Angelina telling America she 'does big things' because she's a bartender.
But I just can't come to comprehend America's fascination with these people.
It seems like the goons from the shore have been starring in feature films, the way the media has rewarded them with interviews on The Today Show and appearances on Leno and Letterman. They've been getting so much star treatment that Snooki somehow made her way to the red carpet at The Grammy awards. It wouldn't surprise me if she was doing cartwheels down the aisle in her birthday suit as Drake, Slim and Weezy rocked out.
As if attention in the national media wasn't enough, we feel the need to wait in elongated lines and pay ridiculous cover charges to catch a glimpse of a housemate in their natural habitat – yes, I'm looking at you, PURE nightclub.
Come on, folks. You must have something better to do than get alcohol poured down your throat and in your eye by a girl that looks like a bowling ball. I'm sure you can find something better to do with your money.
Reality television has changed American culture and Jersey Shore has added kerosene to the fire. While the American dream once consisted of a family, career and happiness, it has transformed into dreams of catching five minutes of fame by being a jerkoff on television.
Just when I thought the pompous group of fist pumpers would sail off into the sunset and fall off the map, MTV announced Jersey Shore would be back for season two.
This time around, I ask you all a simple favor. Don't give them the attention they don't deserve. Watch a Seinfeld rerun, put on Entourage – I don't care. Better yet, turn on the news. We are a generation that is glued to reality television and out of sync with the world around us. The future of young America doesn't look too bright.
Now that's what I call a situation.
E-mail: joe.paterno@ubspectrum.com
