There's nothing more endearing than an offensively opinionated person at a safe distance. Piping hotheads like Rush Limbaugh, Dr. Laura, Simon Fuller and Anne Robinson are welcomed into many homes only because they come caged inside a television screen. Zealotry on television has even morphed something as innocuous as a cooking show into "Hell's Kitchen" and "Iron Chef."
Comedian Paul Reiser coined the rant, "Seinfeld" emulated it and "Curb Your Enthusiasm" ad-libs it, but when "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story" parodied the undeserving ranting lunatic in "What Really Grinds My Gears," it became clear to me that there's something admirable about speaking your mind.
Thankfully, the babble rant has salted the media with delightful complaints, speaking of which, have you ever noticed that women can get along whenever they're mad about the same things?
I once had the unfortunate experience of being identified as a woman while in the grocery store, when another female approached me and immediately began to pelt me with a list of her physical ailments.
Thankfully, some other broad chimed in order to foster a sense of camaraderie, and I was able to return to staring off into space while they began drawing maps and mobilizing troops.
Maybe one day, humans will find resonance outside of complaining. I suppose there's always the Internet and those e-mails labeled "FW: FW: FW: How touching, worth your while, really really good..."
Do you think Internet junkies could improve upon the dynamics of forwarding? They should at least disguise the subject out of courtesy. No one feels appreciated when they receive a forward, it's like getting body wash or a set of toenail clippers for Christmas.
Then again, no one should get used to being appreciated, as it can easily lead to the "adult learner-syndrome." Frankly, I find adult learners to be disruptive. Their constant attempts at trying to outwit the teacher and share their experiences deter me from doodling in my notebook.
I find doodling to be extraordinarily enriching. In fact, I think job interviews should ask their candidates to submit a sample of their doodling. Drawing without the intention of drawing is your subconscious' way of revealing itself. Asking someone why they'd make a good candidate for the job is as pointless as asking a Ford dealer if there's anything wrong with the car.
Hiring good workers is a matter of trial and error. Employers may as well be handing out a bottle of Wite-Out with every interviewee's criminal record. Wite-Out, I might add, makes an embarrassment of humanity.
There's no reason to blush over a cross out. Every time I use Wite-Out I feel dirty. I'm not audacious enough to play peek-a-boo with a forty year-old, so why would I attempt to convince my fellow man that something I covered up with white paint doesn't exist? It's just as noticeable as a cross out, but somehow more polite and aesthetic.
I guess whiteout was necessitated by a bunch of squinty-eyed teachers whose lives revolve around the adoration of citation. Everything has been done before, does that mean I should tattoo a works cited on my lower-back in order to deflect academic probation? Diligent students must literally interrupt their words with parenthesis containing a handful of tetra-syllabic names and a page number. How rude! Don't even get me started on footnotes, they're as frustrating as those little black rectangles that appear on the "Girls Gone Wild" advertisements. It's cruel to tease someone like that.
Our world is plagued by many inconveniences, yet of all the aforementioned grievances, the gratuitous newspaper columnist remains one of the most abhorrent creatures to endure.
You know who I'm talking about. The ones that think they're cute and make their little jokes and go off on their little rants and pretend to be a little better, with their privatized conceptualization of humor that consists of hiding every opinion inside a joke to avoid having their chicken-thin necks broken in by someone who actually knows how to write. You're not interesting, you're not funny, and you're now officially a waste of space.
