What to wear for Halloween: sports edition
Published: Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Updated: Monday, November 5, 2012 20:11
Halloween is a fun time of the year to be something you’re not. Tons of college kids will go out trying to prove you can dress as a nun and still look good. To those still looking for that perfect costume, I have some sports-related ideas on what to wear to be the life of the party … and get laid.
Isn’t that what Halloween is all about?
Tim Tebow – The Jets’ backup quarterback/savior of mankind will be a trendy pick this Halloween season. To accentuate the look, add either a cape or a crown. When talking to people, just say whatever it is they want to hear. Be a quote machine! When talking to the ladies, occasionally take off your shirt and run around in slow motion to attract them, but try not to hit on them. This will be the toughest task, but you must stay in character. After all, you are the leader of the football world and a virgin! You can’t fall into such temptation, as those things are below you.
Ryan Fitzpatrick – This can be a pretty popular pick for Buffalonians. Of course, it’s important to have a hearty beard (real or fake). To make the look complete, make sure you hide your right arm (tuck it in your shirt). When people ask where said arm is, just tell them you don’t have one.
When socializing, make sure you add in quips about string theory and Schrodinger’s cat, even if no one is talking about those topics. Remember, you graduated from Harvard. Image is important with this costume!
Gary Bettman –Bettman, the
dictator leader of the National Hockey League, is one for those people who want to simply have a good time at the expense of others. Important accessories include: a suit, a good comb over and dollar bills falling out of your pockets, while claiming you don’t have any. If you are hosting a party, make the buildup spectacular, luring people to come over to the “Party of the Century.” Then, without warning, moments before the party, lock the doors and don’t allow anyone in.
When conversing with the ladies, be super nice to them. Pretend you know what they’re talking about at all times, even if you have no idea. Disregard that last statement if they’re Canadian. They suck and don’t deserve the same rights as Americans. Hey, gotta stay in character!
Kim Khardashian– ‘Kim K’ is the perfect choice for all the females out there desperately looking for a costume. Having a big posterior is a plus, but for those lacking in that department, find a way to make your waist look smaller. Make sure you have a Reggie Bush, Miles Austin or Kris Humphries jersey, as her affiliations with those athletes are notorious. If you don’t have these handy, any other jersey will do. She’ll bang anyone eventually. When out and about – and this is very important – try to be the center of attention AT ALL COSTS. Accidentally spilling drinks, running into people and saying crude things to people are perfect ways to stay relevant and make sure no one forgets you. Is she an athlete? No, but she’s very involved in the athlete world, so it applies here.