Why the Olympics rock

 

 
           Hello. My name is Caitlin and I'm an Olympics addict. It's been roughly 13 seconds since I last checked the medal count. It's been two seconds since I watched an event.

 
            I need help.

 
            I don't care if it's something as boring and anti-climactic as curling or as exhilarating as hockey, I'm glued to my T.V. as often as I can be. I have a problem and I can't stop.

 
            Last night I was sitting in my apartment watching pairs figure skating, alpine skiing and the highlights from women's hockey. Right now, as I sit in our dungeon of a newspaper office, I'm watching the U.S. men's hockey team take on Switzerland.

 
            NBC could broadcast Olympic basket weaving and I'd watch it.

 
            Thank Yahweh this only happens every four years (and I have a slacker senior schedule), otherwise my GPA would certainly suffer.

 
            'Where's your paper?' my English professor would inquire.

 
            'Oh, well, Olympic ice fishing was on and then they switched over to the women's snowball fight. I got distracted.'

 
            It would be bad news if I actually had responsibilities. The horrors.

 
            Even though they give me something to do at night while I'm putting off journalism ethics homework, I still feel like the best thing about the Olympics are the sense of community they create.

 
            Now, I'm not talking about the metaphorical sense of community that the Olympics like to wave their flags to. None of that 'every country comes together for two weeks of peace and sportsmanship' BS really does it for me. We all know that every other country is hoping the other eats it.

 
            Don't you think that Apolo Ohno was secretly ecstatic that the two Korean speed skaters collided with one another so he could skate his way to a silver medal? Obviously.

 
            The sense of community I'm talking about is the fact that for two weeks everyone is a sports fan and everyone is a sports expert. It's not like football season, where seasoned fans will call your bluff when you spout off a made up statistic. During the Olympics, you can pretty much say whatever you want and get away with it.

 
            'Yeah, her triple toe loop landing was shaky. She's going to lose at least two-tenths of a point,' is a valid, yet inaccurate statement.

 
            'This is Vladmir So-and-So's first gold medal for Russia since the Bolsheviks took over,' is totally untrue (and historically inaccurate), yet no one will say anything.

 
            It's great. You can say anything you want and no one thinks twice.

 
            The other amazing thing about the Olympics is that it's an, as of yet, untapped resource for the CIA. The Olympics weed out the true American patriots from the traitors. They separate the Thomas Jeffersons from the Benedict Arnolds.

 
            If the CIA studied who was rooting for which country, we could have an entirely fact-based blacklist. We'd be out of Iraq, we'd be done searching for Bin Laden in a hole, all without the drama of a McCarthyist hunt.

 
            That kid in your history class who thinks Alexander Ovechkin is the greatest thing to happen to hockey since Wayne Gretsky? Un-American.

 
            The kid making mashed potatoes in the Student Union who says Ilya Kovalchuk is not only the best New Jersey Devil but far superior to Thomas Vanek? Unpatriotic.

 
            The Olympics bring people together and let you know whom you can trust. They give you two weeks of sports entertainment, and I can't get enough. I can't get enough of the events, the smack talk, the national anthems.

 
            At this point I might need a 12-step program, but I don't care. I'm having a blast rooting for MY home team.

 
            Hail Marty Brodeur! Go Canada! (Just don't tell the CIA.)

 
E-mail: caitlin.tremblay@ubspectrum.com