Straight from the source: public sex adventures
Published: Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, February 12, 2013 15:02
I want to go to Europe. I want to skydive and see the Grand Canyon.
I want to have sex simultaneously.
While some people make bucket lists for places they want to visit, mine consists of the places I want to get laid. My bucket list started back in my freshman year, on accident, when I crossed off South Campus before I had even written anything down.
For those students who are too young to know this, Kapoor Hall wasn’t always the fancy pharmacy building filled with the high-tech labs and Tim Hortons. Three years ago, it was just “that construction site” on South Campus – a half-built structure protected by a 10-foot metal fence and locked gates, surrounded by rickety scaffolding that shook as you climbed and loosely monitored by patrolling UB police officers.
To adventure-seeking freshmen like myself, the unfinished Kapoor Hall was just a tantalizing place to break the rules – or the law, in this case – and be naughty.
And like most of the ridiculous moments from my freshman year, it all started with a lot of alcohol and a trip to Northside. Trust me, I’m more ashamed of how I used to frequent the cesspool they somehow market as a “bar” than I am of anything in this column.
Nevertheless, this adventure began on Northside’s dance floor. It was the last weekend of the spring semester and my mom would be picking me up the next morning to return home for the summer. Around 4 a.m., Northside was closing shop, but I didn’t want the night to end. Luckily for me, neither did one of my girlfriends and three of my guy friends.
We sat in front of Northside after they kicked us out, and we debated what our next move would be. Our dorm rooms were out of the question –we all had roommates who would not be happy to host an after party they were not a part of – but one kid had a brilliant idea: go to the jungle gym on South Campus.
As we sat there, our buzzes wearing off, my friend told us about the time he climbed to the top of the construction site. Minds made up, we ran back to the dorms, grabbed some beer and made our way to the construction site. Sans my one girl friend, who decided to go to bed, we jumped the jagged fence, climbed the rickety staircase and sat on top of the roof that overlooked the entire campus. We drank beers as the sun came up and made plans to stay up until Amy’s Place opened (because I had never been there before and apparently it was amazing).
The rush of committing a crime – breaking into a construction site as well as drinking on school property underage – really got my libido going. So while two of our friends fell asleep, my friend and I decided to take the opportunity to have a steamy make-out session. The sun was rising, cars were driving through campus streets, a student or two walked through campus – all while I was enjoying a hands-all-over make-out session as I committed a crime.
We never made it to Amy’s Place, but I still consider that night a great end to my first year of college.
That was my first public sexual experience; it was nowhere near my last.
Senior year, I moved to a house in the University Heights. It had a balcony. There was one thought I couldn’t get out of my head: I really want to bang someone on this.
It didn’t take very long. I ran into a friend of mine at a bar on Main Street – a very handsome friend, mind you. After a ridiculous amount of Mexican Happy Meals (which consists of one shot of tequila and a Corona), the two of us started making out at the bar. We decided to leave, and I yanked my friend out of the bar. I’m sure the stumbling make-out session from the bar to my house was hilarious to watch.
With most of my roommates back at the bar, I decided it was the perfect opportunity to bang on my balcony. My friend agreed.
The two of us ran through my house stark naked, snuck onto the balcony and proceeded to “do the dirty.”
But when you have sex in public, be prepared for the public to see you. I learned the next morning that we were not quiet, nor were we very secretive. My friend saw what appeared to be a guy receiving fellatio on my balcony as she walked home. My neighbors also saw the two of us getting down and dirty – literally dirty after it started down pouring rain.
I doubt I was the first one to do naughty things on that balcony and I doubt I’ll be the last, but hey, I set a goal, I accomplished it and I had a fun time doing it.
While construction sites and roofs hold pretty fond memories for me, there’s one place I urge you to never attempt having sexy time: public trains. Some friends of mine have done train or bus sex with no problem. I had difficulty.
After an insane trip to New York City – which included missing a train and being stranded until 6 a.m. – my night ended with a public hookup that went from ridiculously hot to impatiently long and ended up being just plain uncomfortable.
First, it was no secret. My friends sat in the seats both in front and behind the two of us. They could hear us, they could see us and nothing stopped them from making comments. We would have just hopped into the bathroom then, except we thought it was just a 10-minute connecting train. It wasn’t. I’m almost 100 percent positive the conductor saw a little more of my partner’s member than he would have liked.
The entire situation was tiresome and anti-climatic. Seriously, if you’re planning on trying public transportation intimacy, use the bathroom.