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Seven Reasons Why America is Better Than Canada

Faculty Student Relations Reporter

Published: Wednesday, February 5, 2003

Updated: Monday, November 5, 2012 19:11


In the grand tradition of great countdowns like David Letterman's Top 10 and K-Rock's furious five at nine, I have devised my own compilation of reasons why America is simply better than Canada. Just as children are taught to share their toys, American children - with any good parenting - are given this knowledge upon birth. Sometimes, it is just nice to be reminded.

1. Canadian bacon. Here is a prime example of a great American food that Canadians just can't get right. Think of an Egg McMuffin. Now think of a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit from that same McDonalds. That's what I thought.

2. Canadians don't know who the King of all Beers is. Now, I'm sure that this will fall on deaf ears in Labatt country, but I walked into a bar in Canada one time and ordered a Bud. After looking at me like there was something growing out of my head, the bartender told me that they didn't have any in stock. So I did what any patriotic American would do - I walked out. How the king of beers didn't find its home in this lonely Canadian bar is beyond me, but the day that I drink a Labatt when there's a Bud to be had somewhere is the day that I die.

3. Canadians eat fries with cheese curds. Now, I am not completely naïve. I know that McDonalds serves veggie burgers in the village and lobster sandwiches in Maine, but this is getting a little absurd. When I visited the Burger King in Niagara Falls, besides the fact that they never heard of using gloves, they served curds of cheese on their food. This might just be me, but thinking of ordering anything with curds in it just makes my stomach churn. What's wrong with just melting some cheese on those bad boys?

4. Tom Green is a Canadian. Now don't get me wrong, I used to watch the "Tom Green Show" on a regular basis. When he put the naked statues of his parents on his front lawn, I really thought I was going to keel over from laughing so hard. However, I must say in overall quality of stupidity, Tom Green pales in comparison to the pranks that Bam Margera plays on his father in the American "Jackass."

5. Canadians speak French. I realize that I have been pretty hard on our neighbors to the North in this whole piece, but this one they have just brought on themselves. If it wasn't for America, the French would be speaking German right now, and that would be fine with me. Why one would speak a language whose creators are a little heavy on the perfume and too light on the deodorant is beyond me. As you can probably infer, I am not the biggest fan of the French, but the only thing worse than actually being French is trying to be French.

6. "Eh!" I've seen a lot of places in my day and heard a lot of people talk. As ridiculous as it may sound, I find the Southern accent to be somewhat endearing. Californians can speak as slow as they want to because in the next big earthquake they will just fall off into the Pacific, but unfortunately the same thing cannot be said for Canada. In all my days, I have never heard such a ridiculous manner of speech. I think they were just looking to find their own distinctive voice in the English language, but it just didn't work out.

7. Bars in Canada stop serving alcohol after 2 a.m. When I hear last call at a bar, I put my coat on. Straight out of Queens, when I walk into a bar at midnight, I don't expect to leave until at least four o'clock in the morning. Furthermore, being a traditionalist, I won't stay in a bar that doesn't serve any alcohol. If Canadians do not want to serve any alcohol to me after two o'clock in the morning, that's fine, but why stay open if you refuse to sell the one product that you are in business for? A bar that doesn't serve alcohol is like an Italian deli that just ran out of salami - purely ridiculous.

Maybe one day we will finally put an end to it all and erect a big wall on the border so Canada will finally stop letting terrorists and bad actors into America by the busload. Somehow, I have a feeling that that day will be a long time coming. Let me make one final point. Canada's age of prosperity, if there ever was one, is a long time gone. I will be forever grateful to Canada for producing Michael J. Fox and the television show "Degrassi High," but let's face it - nothing good has come out of Canada since Bon Jovi's "Slippery When Wet" in '86, recorded in Vancouver, British Columbia.



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9 comments

#CanadianSwag
Thu Jul 18 2013 23:18
Americans have lame reasons, Canada doesn't.

You could have mentioned Justin Bieber, USA's high GDP, USA being center of the world, etc. etc. to support your reasons for choosing Canada. They'd be far better reasons. But NO. You're a stupid person. No offense.

Anyways, Canada has many more reasons to be better than the US; Canada simply is the best place in the Earth and the US cannot beat Canada unless it copies Canada. In my opinion he United States will never beat Canada unless they actually unite. The US has way too many reasons to be hated to be worse than Canada.

Anonymous
Fri Jun 14 2013 16:15
Just want to hop on here and point out that this article was written in 2003.
Anonymous
Sat Apr 27 2013 20:30
One thing i can't denie is that the best sport you guys are the best at is eating
Anonymous
Thu Apr 18 2013 11:42
you know how americans are fat beacause first thing you talk about is how much your bacon is better
Anonymous
Thu Apr 18 2013 11:41
Stupid american, this topic should be called: '' seven reasons why americans are fat''
Anonymous
Wed Feb 13 2013 17:52
"OH AND ISn't THIS THE COUNTRY WHO JUST CANT STOP SHOOTING UP SCHOOLS AND KILLING INNOCENT CHILDREN?"

Not in 2003.

Anonymous
Wed Feb 13 2013 15:42
/slow clap

Oh, ignorant and obnoxious American, way to live up to every stereotype possible in a single piece! I'm sure Canada doesn't want you to visit either. Go drink some of your "king of beers" (watered down piss, more like it) and eat some crappy McDonalds fries, but stop writing.

Anonymous
Tue Feb 12 2013 17:19
You're an excellent typist.
Anonymous
Mon Feb 11 2013 12:55
wow u just proved yourself to be an ignorant American in this rant. These so called 'issues' may be YOUR problem with Canada...but I'll take free healthcare, higher life expectancy, and infant life expectancy any day! OH AND ISn't THIS THE COUNTRY WHO JUST CANT STOP SHOOTING UP SCHOOLS AND KILLING INNOCENT CHILDREN? I\m sorry, as a true Canadian I will apologize for my outburst...but at least we aren't dying over our lack of control...ie guns, food, sex.... and for the beer TRY A MOLSON then tell me your a beer expert. The bar tender looked at you like you had a hole in your head because NO Canadian would drink a bud




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