A letter to my future wife
Published: Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, February 12, 2013 16:02
Dear future wife,
I cannot wait for the day I can see you in a white dress coming down the aisle to the tune of “The Wedding March” with our loved ones present in the church.
I love you and everything, but there is something I have to admit. There is another lover in my life I have been seeing for quite some time now. That other person is the Buffalo Bills.
Unlike you, the Bills can do no wrong and I would never divorce them. They may lose every Sunday, but I always come back to them hopeful and cheerful.
If you make one terrible dinner, you best believe we are getting take out next week. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
The Bills make terrible draft picks and sign free agent players who are poor investments and they end up flopping.
You choose to buy shoes and clothes that don’t fit into my budget. It just doesn’t help our savings account – we are going into debt.
They waste their time on quarterbacks who are retreads who never lead the team to the “promised land.”
You waste your time telling me to put the toilet seat down when I never do. Save your time and energy – it’s a waste.
When Jim Kelly retired, I mourned the loss of the greatest Bills quarterback of all time. There was nothing I could do about it.
When our son tells me he’s a Dolphins fan, I’ll send him packing to military school; he needs to learn respect his elders.
But there is one thing you two have in common: I nag the Bills every summer hoping for a winning season, and you nag me every Sunday to mow the lawn or pick up your dry cleaning. And neither gets done.
But there are things that you provide for me that the Bills cannot.
You give me a warm body to sleep next to at night and the smell of perfume turns me on more than a sweaty jockstrap.
When I’m having a bad day, you make me chicken Parmesan and comfort me, but when the Bills lose, ESPN mocks me with replays of the other teams pummeling us.
I gave you a ring on our wedding day to show that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and you accepted.
The Bills have no hardware or trophies to show their affection or commitment to me.
So, you see, I still love you and will cherish you for the rest of eternity as long as you don’t cross my Buffalo mistress. I live two different lives: One where I am committed to my beloved Bills and one where I am committed to you.
I know I can’t have my cake and eat it, too, but If I have to choose between my future wife or the Buffalo Bills, I have to divorce you.
Love you dear.