Seven Reasons Why America is Better Than Canada

On February 5, 2003

In the grand tradition of great countdowns like David Letterman's Top 10 and K-Rock's furious five at nine, I have devised my own compilation of reasons why America is simply better than Canada. Just as children are taught to share their toys, American children - with any good parenting - are given this knowledge upon birth. Sometimes, it is just nice to be reminded.

1. Canadian bacon. Here is a prime example of a great American food that Canadians just can't get right. Think of an Egg McMuffin. Now think of a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit from that same McDonalds. That's what I thought.

2. Canadians don't know who the King of all Beers is. Now, I'm sure that this will fall on deaf ears in Labatt country, but I walked into a bar in Canada one time and ordered a Bud. After looking at me like there was something growing out of my head, the bartender told me that they didn't have any in stock. So I did what any patriotic American would do - I walked out. How the king of beers didn't find its home in this lonely Canadian bar is beyond me, but the day that I drink a Labatt when there's a Bud to be had somewhere is the day that I die.

3. Canadians eat fries with cheese curds. Now, I am not completely naïve. I know that McDonalds serves veggie burgers in the village and lobster sandwiches in Maine, but this is getting a little absurd. When I visited the Burger King in Niagara Falls, besides the fact that they never heard of using gloves, they served curds of cheese on their food. This might just be me, but thinking of ordering anything with curds in it just makes my stomach churn. What's wrong with just melting some cheese on those bad boys?

4. Tom Green is a Canadian. Now don't get me wrong, I used to watch the "Tom Green Show" on a regular basis. When he put the naked statues of his parents on his front lawn, I really thought I was going to keel over from laughing so hard. However, I must say in overall quality of stupidity, Tom Green pales in comparison to the pranks that Bam Margera plays on his father in the American "Jackass."

5. Canadians speak French. I realize that I have been pretty hard on our neighbors to the North in this whole piece, but this one they have just brought on themselves. If it wasn't for America, the French would be speaking German right now, and that would be fine with me. Why one would speak a language whose creators are a little heavy on the perfume and too light on the deodorant is beyond me. As you can probably infer, I am not the biggest fan of the French, but the only thing worse than actually being French is trying to be French.

6. "Eh!" I've seen a lot of places in my day and heard a lot of people talk. As ridiculous as it may sound, I find the Southern accent to be somewhat endearing. Californians can speak as slow as they want to because in the next big earthquake they will just fall off into the Pacific, but unfortunately the same thing cannot be said for Canada. In all my days, I have never heard such a ridiculous manner of speech. I think they were just looking to find their own distinctive voice in the English language, but it just didn't work out.

7. Bars in Canada stop serving alcohol after 2 a.m. When I hear last call at a bar, I put my coat on. Straight out of Queens, when I walk into a bar at midnight, I don't expect to leave until at least four o'clock in the morning. Furthermore, being a traditionalist, I won't stay in a bar that doesn't serve any alcohol. If Canadians do not want to serve any alcohol to me after two o'clock in the morning, that's fine, but why stay open if you refuse to sell the one product that you are in business for? A bar that doesn't serve alcohol is like an Italian deli that just ran out of salami - purely ridiculous.

Maybe one day we will finally put an end to it all and erect a big wall on the border so Canada will finally stop letting terrorists and bad actors into America by the busload. Somehow, I have a feeling that that day will be a long time coming. Let me make one final point. Canada's age of prosperity, if there ever was one, is a long time gone. I will be forever grateful to Canada for producing Michael J. Fox and the television show "Degrassi High," but let's face it - nothing good has come out of Canada since Bon Jovi's "Slippery When Wet" in '86, recorded in Vancouver, British Columbia.

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