Rubbing One Out Before You Go Out

By WILLY WONKA
On February 14, 2012

There are 32 minutes until your exam and that feeling comes over you. You now face a monumental decision that may affect the rest of your life. Well, at least your next few hours.

To masturbate, or not to masturbate?

This situation can perplex even the most diligent of students. And yes, girls, don't act like this column doesn't apply to you – we all know you rev your own engine.

The benefits, like releasing stress and liberating certain frustrations, are numerous. Scientific studies have shown that masturbating can relieve depression and increase a person's self-esteem. The downsides, other than foregoing necessary responsibilities and accidentally reenacting the hair gel scene from Something About Mary, are few and far between.

So what is the problem? Well, let's do a little math before we jump to conclusions.

The optimal time to get to class is five minutes before the actual start time, and before we can get to class, we need to get to campus. Allotting 10 minutes to get from home to campus is probably generous, so we will say a reasonable 13 minutes the average UB student.

Suddenly our 32-minute window is cut down to 14 minutes. If you set aside four minutes of what I like to call "prepping and primping" time (I shouldn't need to explain), you are only left with a solid 10 minutes to reach the summit.

Arguably 10 minutes is an eternity for some, but not so much for others. Your decision should be based on your average time, which you should know from personal experience. Clearly if you are someone who "wines and dines" yourself like Steve Carell from The 40 Year Old Virgin, 10 minutes is simply not enough. If you are trying to break the land speed record, you may be thinking of rubbing out two.

Believe it or not, masturbating can be academically inspiring as well.

Instead of staring at the girl sitting in front of you in class with the lower back tattoo, you focus on your organic chemistry lecture – albeit reluctantly. Without rubbing one out, when she shifts in her seat, unknowingly teasing you with thoughts of what could be done with just 20 minutes of alone time. You, however, couldn't care less because your system has been temporarily flushed of sexual desire. Academia wins, and the benefits can start to rack up with every note you take.

This same dilemma can be applied to both sexes before going out on a Saturday night. If you are one of those people who consider themselves "one and done," masturbating before going out to party is like ending the evening before it even starts. Foregoing all current desires, you are banking on getting help from someone later in the night who hopefully knows what he or she is doing.

Of course, by giving into the temptation of self-indulgence, you are eliminating one of the largest human drives from persuading your night. Maybe you just want to go out and drink with your friends. Maybe you want to just dance until your feet develop blisters. Teasing your Twinkie will help you to focus your thoughts elsewhere and let you have fun without worrying about taking someone home.

It ends up being your decision when all is said and done. If you get straight A's by masturbating before every test, then you should be investing in loads of KY Jelly and rubbing one out, not necessarily in that order. If you can go long periods of time without sex, by all means, keep holding out.

Above all else, be confident in all of your decisions, big and small, since you have to live with them for at least another few hours.

Email: features@ubspectrum.com


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