The dollars and cents behind getting laid

So you’re looking to have sex sometime in the near future – or maybe not sex, but at the very least some under the pants action. Hey, I don’t blame you. But one thing college students need to keep in mind is that most of us have a tight budget; we can’t go making it rain every time we want to make the beast with two backs.

The Basics

Condoms – $0-20

You’ll need condoms and depending on how much sex you’re planning on having, you can either get a small pack or an industrial sized. For people that are desperate to get laid but have a bank account that is holding them back, you can find free condoms at the Wellness Center.

Birth Control – $10-75

Girls, birth control is just as essential as condoms. The price can vary depending on your health insurance and what brand of pills you’re purchasing.

For some solo action

Sex toys are essential if you’re looking to release your sexual frustration without another person.

Elbow Grease – $0

If you really have no money to spare, it’s all about manual masturbation. It might take more time, but at least you’re saving money, right?

Flesh Light – $69-80

A flesh light is basically a portable vagina that looks like a flashlight, hence the name. If you really don’t (or can’t) find a girl, I’d suggest investing in one.

Vibrator – Anywhere from $20-100

Buy a vibrator. They work faster and more efficiently than using your hands. It will be the best $30 you’ve ever spent.

If you’re looking for a partner

To have sex, whether you’re looking to date someone or if you’re just at a frat house or a bar and never want to see the person again – you’re going to have to shell out some cash.

Dinner – $30

Did you ask a girl out to dinner and are planning on treating her by using your extra meal swipe at the dining hall? Just stop. You’re never going to get laid. Oh, did you change your mind and now think it’s a good idea to treat her to a super fancy meal at the Commons or Pistachios? Seriously, stop.

Even if you don’t have a car, at least head down to Main Street and go to Amy’s Place, Lake Effect or The Steer for an actual dinner. And if you do have your own set of wheels, head to Elmwood.

If you don’t have the cash for a night out, then I’d suggest making a dinner for two. It’s cheaper to buy ingredients than actually going out, and you’ll be able to eat leftovers for a while.

With a movie – $20

The classic movie date is going to cost you around $20, depending on where you go, when you go and if you’re going to splurge and get that box of Swedish Fish (which are about $5 and a total rip off – here’s a tip, sneak your own snacks into the theatre).

If dinner and a movie is a bit too steep for you, then try just watching a movie at your place – that way you can let her choose what movie she wants to watch and earn extra brownie points.            

Repeat this about three times – because the rule is you’re allowed to “seal the deal” after the third date – and there you go. Prepare to spend around $75.

Of course, there are dates that are most cost effective. Think about packing a lunch, heading to Delaware Park and setting up a picnic. It’s cheaper than going out to dinner and some girls would much rather go on a date that’s more casual and relaxed.

If you’re picking up a girl at the bar

Just because you’re not looking for a long term commitment when you’re hooking up with someone at a bar doesn’t mean that you don’t need to spend money.

Alcohol – $15-20

Buy her at least two drinks. She might not even let you pay for her, but it’s the thought that counts. Or she’s going to be that girl that makes you buy drinks for not just her, but her friends as well.

Drunk Food – $15

If you’re a real gentleman, you’ll buy your soon-to-be sexual partner UHots. It’s only polite.

Whether you’re dating, you’re hooking up or you’re riding solo, pleasure is sometimes a pain to your wallet.

Email: features@ubspectrum.com