Nothing But Bull (Parody)
The best and brightest of all the cities
Published: Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Updated: Monday, November 5, 2012 20:11
Watch out, New York City, with your delicious pizza, bright lights and endless opportunities. Step back, London, with your rich history. Who cares what’s happening in Los Angeles on Hollywood Boulevard and the Sunset Strip?
It’s all about Buffalo, baby.
As recently decided by every single news outlet in the country, Buffalo has been named the most awesome, upscale and sophisticated city in the entire universe.
“It wasn’t a hard decision,” said Kayla Lakin, a member of the committee board who voted in favor of the Queen City. “All you have to do is walk around Buffalo – look at the booming nightlife, the vibrant and open-minded people, the delicious food and, of course, the success of its sports teams. It was a no-brainer.”
The city owns an overwhelming smell of vomit that coats the city alongside a cloud of apathy, depression and misplaced angst. It also boasts decrepit, decaying buildings and infrastructure. From University Heights to downtown Buffalo, it’s clear the city is top notch.
Like the setting of a classic noir film – with rundown apartment complexes, nefarious men and women walking the unlit streets and a total lack of police authority – Buffalo looks downright spiffy.
“I can totally understand why Buffalo was voted the best city ever,” said Joshua Brill, a sophomore mechanical engineering major. “After my car got broken into, that’s when I knew how smart I was for moving here. The robbers might have broken my window and pulled out my radio, but they didn’t steal my car. Now that’s courtesy.”
In University Heights, students are privileged to see Buffalo live up to its epithet: the City of Good Neighbors. Many of the people who have seen the kindness firsthand have not lived to tell the tale or are still in the hospital.
Tina Murillo, a senior accounting major, loves stopping to talk to her neighbors – an off-campus fraternity. Armed with a pocketknife and pepper spray, Murillo considers it bonding time when she has to yell at the drunken freshmen peeing on the side of her house.
“I really enjoy the noise and the constant stream of people knocking on my door, expecting a frat party. It’s kind of like I’m really popular,” Murillo said. “And when I’m feeling down about myself, I just look out of my balcony and see the creepy dude next door masturbating while he looks at me. It really boosts my self-esteem.”
After moving downtown, Edward Heinz, a first year biochemistry graduate student, got to know members of the community rather well. As he walked to his car (in a lot one block from the Roswell Cancer Institute), Heinz had a run in with a group of local teens.
“Two 13-year-olds robbed me with a gun,” Heinz recalled. “They were unaware that college students have no money, so I told them to take my books. They didn’t know they were worth over $500. Finally, they took my $200 laptop.”
Wanting to be a good neighbor, Heinz called out to them as they were running away – the two boys forgot the charger.
“I had to give it to them,” Heinz said. “How would they know how to charge my laptop without it?”
Another reason for the city’s success is Buffalo’s culinary expertise, according to Glenn Bank, another member of the committee.
“Buffalo wings are just a masterpiece,” Bank said. “A real culinary treat.”
Nightlife is one of Alison Auten’s favorite parts of Buffalo. Auten is a freshman undecided major. After coming from New York City, she finally understood the definition of fun when she set foot in Northside Bar on Main Street.
The dance floor, or “the hallway” as the regulars like to refer to it, is by far the coolest part. Not only does the DJ pump new jams like “Call Me Maybe,” but the bar’s so popular that there’s no room to walk without rubbing against someone, Auten said.
“I can’t even move without someone accidently grabbing my ass or falling into me and using my boobs as support,” Auten said. “That’s how you know a bar is off the hook!”
Whether it’s the rich history – a U.S. president got murdered here – or the underrated sports teams (what a great season the Bills are having), Buffalo oozes success.
The All-America city is truly deserving of its new title: the most super duper city in the entire universe.