New Year’s Resolutions – Love and Sex Edition
Published: Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, January 15, 2013 21:01
Four members of The Spectrum's staff have compiled a list of their 2013 sexual resolutions.
I’ve always prided myself on being someone who’s up for anything. Want to climb onto a restricted construction site? Sure. Want to go on a spontaneous trip to a casino? All right. How about stay up all night in New York City searching for a strip club after missing the last train? No doubt. But there was one huge line that I refused to cross: engage in a real relationship where I had to talk about emotions and all that junk? Nope, nuh-uh. Nega-effing-tory.
But it’s a new year. It’s my last year. So, what the hell, right? Maybe relationships aren’t so bad. I mean, Taylor Swift jumps into them one after the other, although for some completely unknown reason they all end up going terribly array and she is forced to write a song about whatever her flavor of the week is. But seriously – hating on Jake Gyllenhaal and his love of indie music? Talk about cheap shots.
And I’ll be honest: there is one love scene that strikes a chord in my heart every time I see it and it includes one stuck-up, scruffy-looking Nerf herder and one princess of Alderaan. Now that’s a “love” conversation I’d be able to handle. In the words of Shawn Hunter of Boy Meets World, “I want what they have.”
I’ve never experienced butterflies; I’ve never seen fireworks when I’ve kissed someone. I’ve read about it in books, I’ve watched it in movies, so I guess it’s time I try to get out there and experience it myself.
And if this actually happens and I do find myself in a relationship in the near future, it would be a great time to try my hand (and body and mouth) at the 365-day sex calendar. I really want to try out the Lotus and cannonball positions.
My sex resolution for 2013 is a simple one, at best: outdoor sex. There’s something exciting about being in public and letting loose, with the dangers of people passing by ever so present. I can’t say where, but there is a place in Niagara County that would be perfect.
After surviving the end of the Mayan calendar and all the horrors associated with it in 2012, 2013 is the year I strengthen my sexual horizons. I realize I have done almost all of the basic things – sex in another state, in someone else’s bed, on a beach, with some poor child’s mother, someone who was married (a pure accident, I swear), etc. So it’s about time I get a bit creative.
I’m talking furries.
When I found out about the Furrie phenomenon last year, by watching an episode of Entourage and befriending a few people immersed in the furrie community, my interest piqued. For those who don’t know, the furrie phenomenon is defined by urbandictionary.com as“one who has the urge to have sex with someone who is dressed up as a furry animal.”
There’s something odd and slightly sexually arousing about strapping on a costume and getting it on with somebody else in one. I mean, isn’t that what we all try to do on Halloween?
So this year, I will strap on my best wolf costume, find my foxy lady and get it on doggy style. Pun intended.
I come off as a bit of a prude in public. I don’t participate in public sex talk aside from giving a watered down opinion, and I believe a lady shouldn’t reveal all of her bedroom secrets but instead show them. But I’ve got them, so I guess you could say I’m an undercover freak.
I’ve had a friend with benefits since I started at UB. Despite what most people think, we have the utmost respect for each other both generally and sexually. But after four years at UB and four years with the same partner, we both realized we needed to change things up this year.
After skimming through a variety of online XXX sites I’ve seen a couple of things I’d like to surprise him with.
My partner seems to already credit me for my oral talents, so for one, I’d love to test waters with upside down fellacio. There’s no actual name for the position, but the person giving oral will lay on a bed (or armrest if you’re feeling spontaneous) with their head hanging over the end.
You can use pillows or your own balance to keep it from being uncomfortable, but with the right amount of practice, your partner will be thrilled. It not only gives them an aerial shot of the deed being done but also your body, which they should enjoy if you’re sexually involved.
As a warm-blooded, sexually active African-American male, I like to get the most out of my fondue-ing sessions. It was a blessing to even have a shot at sex when I was young, lanky teenager. But because I’m having it on a more-frequent basis, simply having it isn’t enough. It’s like marijuana: you need more of it to maintain a certain level of ecstasy, and in the process, you look for higher quality weed.
I’m not saying I’m going to go for higher-quality vagina here, but you could get yourself caught up. However, it’s time I revolutionize what I do with my sexual partner for a better experience. It’s sort of like that better high you get from hitting a bong instead of a joint.