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Don’t try this at home

Unrealistic sex scenes that should stay on the big screen

Asst. Arts Editor

Published: Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Updated: Tuesday, February 11, 2014 23:02

Sex can be awkward, but sex in movies can be even more awkward.

Sex scenes normally fall into two categories: the so-unrealistic-it’s-not-physically-possible and the so-painfully-awkward-it’s-hysterical.

Falling into the first camp is pretty near impossible, so all that’s left is the second – and no one wants to be laughed at during sex.

While it’s foolish to even attempt to learn your bedroom tricks from Ryan Gosling or Mila Kunis, it seems that movies can at least give a good insight into what not to do.

Atonement (2007)

The sex scene in Atonement is pretty raunchy. And it’s not that it’s particularly unrealistic – it’s just more that they’re forgetting a lot of basic rules that people need to follow when they’re doing the naughty in someone else’s place of residence. Sneaking into a large library may seem pretty geek chic, but there are things to remember.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t utilize a personal library if you’ve got one in your vicinity. But they had a big room to work with in this movie, and they choose to do it up against the bookshelf – while the books miraculously stay still during the scene. In real life, this would be a recipe for a classic novel avalanche.

And before you start any sort of frolicking, lock the door – it’s rule No. 1. Having your little sister walk in and announce her arrival is a sure passion killer.

Good job on the declaration of love at the end, though.

Ace Ventura (1994)

This classic film shot a couple giving each other suggestive looks before launching onto the bed. While the giggles and suggestive noises project around the room, the camera pans, giving the audience no glimpse into what’s happening on the bed – but we all know.

Ace Ventura manages to make this weird. We all know what’s going on underneath those covers, but all we see is a herd of poor animals trying to avert their eyes. If you’re going to go at it, just have the consideration to take the animals out first. No dog wants to see you getting it on, and no one wants to look over in the heat of the moment and see their dog staring back.  

Crossroads (2002)

Crossroads presents the audience with another classic, awkward sex moment – the ridding of virginity on the night of the much-anticipated high school prom. Two friends who have know each other for nine years finally take each other up on the deal: “If we haven’t lost it before prom, we’ll lose it to each other.” Not romantic and not ideal.

“Please, I’m begging you, please, let’s just do it,” is not an enduring way to convince a girl to lose her virginity to you. A hand-written list bullet-pointing the reasons she should have sex with you is as far past needy as humanly possible. It didn’t work on Britney Spears, and it probably won’t work on any prospective lover.

Superbad (2007)

Superbad is a movie that exudes awkward adolescent sexual encounters. But when McLovin’ finally gets a girl into the bedroom at a party, the outcome is so awkward it’s hilarious. I’m sure that the police walking in on the pair was a blessing for the girl underneath the covers.

Creepily lurking over a girl and having to squeakily whisper to her, “it’s in…” is arguably the worst thing that you could do. If you know, she knows – there’s no need to tell her. 

American Pie (1999)

When you’re thinking about awkward sex scenes that you should never try to replicate, the American Pie franchise tops the charts. While most of the scenes recreate the inevitable awkwardness of evolving college relationships, some of them should be left alone.

Picking the worst of the entire franchise is a pretty hard feat, but there seems to be an obvious answer: The scene where Michelle takes things a step too far and breaks Jim’s comfort zone (along with any of his remaining dignity) by taking a trumpet to his derriere.  

“I’m going to do something to push your threshold,” isn’t always a negative sentence. But when there’s a trumpet and an orifice involved, then just walk away. There are a lot of options to choose from these days – just leave the musical instruments to what they’re made for.

Oh, and boys – just because I haven’t mentioned the infamous apple pie scene, doesn’t mean that that’s acceptable either. Ever. 

 

email: arts@ubspectrum.com

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