Comme des Carson – Mend your mainstream mistakes
Published: Sunday, October 27, 2013
Updated: Sunday, October 27, 2013 18:10
Editor’s note: This article is satirical and is not meant to be taken literally.
I am sick of Halloween. Every year, I do the same stupid routine with my friends, and it’s getting old. We overpay for cheap polyester costumes that only end up ruined and soaked in mud, blood and alcohol after a night of debauchery. Not too mention, nearly every costume I’ve ever worn was entirely uncomfortable, and it’s almost impossible to find one that flaunts my sculpted physique while passing for something unique, funny and/or scary rather than something I might wear to any other party. So, I overpay for the costume I don’t want or need just to get drunk like I do on any other weekend. The costume doesn’t help me get with chicks or anything cool like that, so what’s the point? I remember a time when I lived for getting dressed up in a ridiculous costume before destroying the town or trick-or-treating with a band of my closest buddies – then came a departure. When I moved on to high school, I became way too cool to take part in Halloween festivities. That all changed once again in college when everyone grew into their own skin a bit more and felt cool being silly again. For what seems like probably the last time in my life, I am making another transition where buying a costume/celebrating Halloween isn’t as simple as it used to be when I was five. Getting dressed up in a Buzz Lightyear outfit or a ghost sheet just to go to a house party feels silly, but I’ll definitely be dragged into some kind of Halloween celebration no matter what. Can you think of a better way to enjoy Halloween, costumed or not, for someone like myself?
Casper the bro
While cheap polyester costumes are obvi mainstream, it’s what you do with the gear that counts. To me, it sounds like you’re doing it right already. I’m surprised getting doused in your own blood, cheap beer and mud is getting boring for you, but people struggle to have a good time in this information age. For that reason, let’s go way back for a new spin on a timeless Halloween classic: a good old-fashioned séance. This is something I’ve always been curious about but never actually tried myself. No worries. All it took for me to find out the important information was a Google search that led me to About.com’s “How To Conduct A Séance” guide – perfect. Luckily, no costume needed here, so you can spend your money on what they consider the essentials for this particular list: a table, candles and food. Hmm…what kind of food do dead people like? They suggest bread as enticing physical nourishment for the spirits, but I know all of my ancestors were gluten-free before that ish was even cool. I’m going with guac and organic blue corn chips with some Sriracha to look like blood. About.com lists this activity as having a difficulty level of “average” and a time commitment of only 30 minutes…Wow! Who knew you could put in this kind of work with such little effort involved. Be careful, raising the dead can be pretty heavy. This guide warns, “Don’t allow participants who you don't think could handle a séance psychologically. Children, for example, must never participate.” Perfect for you, man. You’re looking to grow up so here it is. Say hello to the spirits for me.