Comme des Carson – Mend your mainstream mistakes
Published: Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, October 8, 2013 18:10
Editor’s note: This article is satirical and is not meant to be taken literally.
As a junior at UB, I can finally say that I am comfortable with where I am. Getting used to this campus and my life here wasn’t easy – it took me two years – but my home away from home really does feel like home now. I have a lot of friends whom I go out with regularly, I’m doing well in my major and I even have a new girlfriend. Sounds like my life is complete, right? Not quite. Something is missing. I want to be a part of something bigger than myself – bigger than a group of friends that may never get the chance to spend time together out in the “real world” after college. My girlfriend is great, but I’m talking about a thirst for camaraderie with a group of people who share a unique vision for their individual futures and the future of America. I want connections that will make a difference in my life as I move forward with building a résumé and trying to find a career. With the history of corruption in the Student Association, I have no interest in getting involved there. I’d never join a fraternity because I have yet to find one that impressed me beyond feats of beer consumption and bedpost notch-counts. The Spectrum is an option, but do I really want to be a journalist? Guide me toward the best group that calls Buffalo home.
We all know what it feels like to be alone. I sense that even within a close group of peers or alongside this tramp you call your lady, you feel a strong sense of disconnect with the world and, more directly, this campus. You need not feel this way. You are right about the groups you mentioned. With the very real prospect of Sam McMahon losing this popularity contest known as a presidential election, who could ever restore faith in the Student Association? As for The Spectrum, let me be clear in saying I do not consider myself a true member of that team. I am the reason The Spectrum has any semblance of a dedicated readership. If he didn’t provide me with this platform to save America’s youth from mainstream seduction, or have such large biceps and a charming smile, I’d tell Editor in Chief Aaron Mansfield what The Spectrum really is – a wasteland for English majors who think journalism is the only alternative to teaching after college. It is – but still, The Spectrum is an uncool, overachieving, grammatically over-correct, pompous group of maggots sucking at the puss of this university’s festering pockets of decay in hopes of finding a “good” or “inspirational” story. Get over yourselves. Joining a frat is incredibly mainstream – maybe not at an Ivy League school, where prestige and connections are bountiful, but certainly at this university. There is one society, however, that you should keep an eye out for: one so secret, I cannot tell you much about it. Similar to the University of Virginia’s Seven Society or Yale’s Skull & Bones fraternity, this society is UB’s best-kept secret. Rumor has it that it, too, consists of seven members who are sworn in within the crypt of Baird Point’s cement platform. You know that locked door that goes down below there? That’s where this group meets; and that, my friend, is where you will find connections that date back to the founding of this university and reach far across the global power grid – and I don’t mean electricity. Membership in this society will ensure your family’s place in American history as well as a future of riches and power for yourself. Only these seven members know the inner-workings of the group, and those who are amongst them have yet to reveal any age-old secrets. Don’t get your hopes up, but if you get a tap on the shoulder this fall from a group of six men looking for a brother, be prepared to answer what may be the most important question of your life.