Comme des Carson – Mend your mainstream mistakes
Published: Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, September 17, 2013 21:09
Editor’s note: This article is satirical and is not meant to be taken literally.
Being out of the dorms and in my first apartment this year has opened up wonderful new opportunities for me: an easy, often necessary escape from my rowdy friends, my own quiet room to study in and a big space to host occasional parties. Though all of that is great, the most dramatic change, and the one I am struggling to adjust to the most, is my eating situation. I always had a meal plan when I lived in the dorms; I hated the quality of the food and how unhealthy it was, but it was convenient. Now, my parents provide some monetary support, but it’s not enough for me to eat the way I would really like to. I have no time for a job, so my funds are really tight. I’ve been reading a lot about “paleo” and “primal” diets, but I find it’s too hard to afford the fresh, organic produce and expensive grass-fed meat these diets consist of – it’s also hard for me to even find some of this stuff in the first place. Maybe you can help me find a middle ground here between my past “real-college” eating experience and my first attempt at eating like a responsible adult.
Hungry as Hell
I have no idea what a responsible adult does or eats, but I can help you harness the powers of eating like an ancestral warrior at relatively no cost – you’ll just have to want to feel the surge of Mother Earth coursing through your loins bad enough to do what it takes. Forget everything you thought you knew about eating, and step into my “cave,” if you will – let’s read the writing on the wall. Congratulations on not being a total mainstreamer on a meal plan. I will not waste my time discussing those who dine in “halls,” or those who wait in line at Moe’s for their “home” to get “wrecked.” Instead, let’s get primal. I don’t think I’ve ever been so pleased with a reader’s choice for a lifestyle change. Over the last few years, we’ve seen vegan go totally crypto-fascist airhead hippie, and non-celiac, gluten-free bebe’s just make me want to vom squad. No one understands primal. No one understands optimizing gene expression. No one understands me. You should want the same; because when you’re intermittently fasting six days of the week, eating one meal a day and downing whole sticks of omega-3 rich grass-fed butter with your grass-fed cow steaks and kale smoothies, your bros will be in a carb-overloaded, beer s***z coma after a night of drinking. Meanwhile, you’ll be roaming the forest with vigor, dropping a deuce the size of an eco-friendly Nalgene bottle. As for the money concern, how much do you think it cost our ancestors to eat grass, pick berries and shoot animals with arrows and spears? Just get out there, you damn squirrel. When I take a stroll on the Amherst bike path, I see at least 10 potential meals every mile I walk. When that area is scarce, try the dense patch of mystical woodlands near Ellicott Complex. I’ve also seen many bird species near South Lake Village. Get creative. This diet can be free, and it can be glorious. Make me proud. Be the best caveman you can be.