Comme des Carson
Mend your mainstream mistakes
Published: Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Updated: Tuesday, February 19, 2013 23:02
Editor’s note: This article is a satire piece. It is not to be taken literally. ‘Carson’ is a pen name.
I’m dealing with a serious case of boredom. Maybe it’s just because I’m a lonely freshman who is still finding his home within this massive campus, but let me lay this out for you: coming to UB, my parents thought it was best for me to live in the Honors housing dorms within Governors Complex. People told me this was potential social suicide, but I went along with it. I figured I was bound to meet my ‘tribe’ of close friends within this realm where fun supposedly goes to die, but I haven’t. I like my roommates and everything, but they only care about ‘raging’ on South Campus, which is fine, but I’m sick of dealing with daily ‘wake ‘n’ bakes’ and ‘kegs ‘n’ eggs’ every Sunday. I like to drink, but I prefer a more ‘chill’ atmosphere to do it in is all. So while my sort-of friends are out every weekend, I’m stuck in the dorms with nothing to do. Everyone else is busy studying or playing computer games – two ways I don’t really like to spend my weekends, either. I guess I’m somewhere between the two extremes of party animal and super nerd. In high school, I always had fun being active, going out occasionally and just hanging out doing random stuff with my big group of friends. I’m missing that here at UB and I want to find my place. This boredom is killing me. Please … help.
This is just sad, man. Get it together! The great doomed Harvard poet John Berryman was so bored with life that he jumped off of a bridge and died, but before he did, he wrote a poem that went like this:
“Life, friends, is boring. We must not say so./After all, the sky flashes, the great sea yearns,/we ourselves flash and yearn,/and moreover my mother told me as a boy/(repeatedly) ‘Ever to confess you're bored means you have no Inner Resources' …”
Well, I conclude, you have no inner resources. I don’t mean to crush your spirit, but where is your spirit? If you don’t use it, you will lose it, my friend. You probably blame yourself for listening to your parents, but don’t dismiss their guidance entirely. Consider Governors the quiet home you’ve always had. Outside of its hellish, boring gates you will find the excitement and great adventure that college is meant to be. UB’s North Campus is the great prison complex of the Sacred Cow that is SUNY. It’s ugly. It’s gray. It’s evil. You have to work hard to find the light here. To your credit, parties on South are terribly mainstream and I’m glad you recognize that … but being bored is pretty mainstream, too. Joining clubs is so perceptibly uncool that it’s actually really cool. UB has plenty, so you could definitely find one that suits you – you’ll meet chicks and dudes, probably. Personally, I conquer boredom with gnarly skate sessions, homemade bubble tea recipes, attending lectures on American political corruption, silent film screenings and making beats. The point is to use your inner resources and get outside of your comfort zone. So go on – flash and yearn.