Eric Hilliker, Arts Editor

Rating : F

            The Bible contains some of the most influential tales ever written. It is a deeply moving tome and Hollywood has once again decided to adapt it – this time with more bullets, explosions, and all the nuances of a Michael Bay film.

            Director and writer Scott Stewart’s first feature film, Legion, is an absurd action/thriller that takes Christian holy texts and spins them in the worst and most idiotic way possible. The film, though, is far from anything holy, quickly spiraling into an obtuse mess.

            In Legion, the story echoes that of Noah and the flood, but instead of boats and water, there are big guns and creepy monsters. It turns out that God has lost faith in humanity due to the awful way people have been acting, illustrated by some poor political allegories.

            God, in his almighty wisdom and omnipotence, sets out a convoluted plan involving zombie-like people who kill the child of a waitress named Charlie (Adrianne Palicki, Women in Trouble). Why? Well, the film never really explains. Maybe God just really hates kids.

            Standing in Heaven’s way is former archangel Michael (Paul Bettany, Creation), who still has faith in humanity and decides to protect them. The ex-angel decides to fight the armies of Heaven in the best way possible – lots and lots of guns.

             After the initial setup, the story stalls and goes nowhere. The beginning is intriguing, but the movie quickly devolves into people standing around and shooting at monsters in boring action scenes. The film drags until a highly predictable ending.

            The script is truly terrible. The only good thing that could be said about it is that it has an interesting concept. The rest of it is filled with ham-fisted, overwrought dialogue. For such an absurd film, it takes itself way too seriously. The end result is a boring, pedestrian movie.

            The poor writing doesn’t stop at the story, but extends to the characters as well. Although Stewart presents a large cast of characters, not one is really all that interesting. It is extremely hard to care about characters with the fate of mankind in their hands if they are paper thin and riddled with clichés.

            For being the mother of the savior of humankind, Palicki is given very little to do. Aside from an opening monologue, the character is given little development, leaving a one-dimensional lead. This is a problem, since Legion’s entire premise is balanced on whether she lives or dies.

            Palicki’s angelic hero Michael is the only slightly redeeming factor in Legion. For a time, it is entertaining seeing Bettany slay monsters effortlessly, but soon that shtick gets old. The actor is able to convey one thing during the film: brooding. An actor with Bettany’s skill is truly wasting potential here.

            The rest of the cast is made up of patrons of a gas station. Yes, they are as clichéd and cookie-cutter as the others.

            Kyle Williams, played by Tyrese Gibson (Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen), embodies the formulaic tough guy with the heart of gold. He joins the group of uninteresting characters and the audience couldn’t care less what happens to him or his relationship with the equally boring Audrey (Willa Holland, Middle of Nowhere)

            Dennis Quaid (Pandorum) plays Bob Hanson, the owner of the gas station. This is another case of Legion wasting its more talented actors. Aside from giving some truly horrible speeches, Quaid’s character joins the other cast members in doing nothing aside from blasting away at monsters.

Jeep Hanson (Lucas Black, Get Low) is Bob’s son and he doesn’t fare any better than the others. Definitely one of the low points of the cast, Black delivers some cringe-worthy lines that are nearly unbearable.

            Legion is the Holy Bible of a bad movie. Filled with bad acting, horrendous writing, and a stupid story, it is a movie that would make the baby Jesus cry.

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