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Naked twister: How realistic are the craziest sex positions?

A long-term couple does a Ôsexperiment'

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The Spectrum

I never thought I’d say this, but this weekend, The Spectrum forced me to spice up my sex life.

When all of us at The Spectrum started talking about our annual Sex Issue two months ago, I volunteered my long-term boyfriend and myself for what was sure to be the most difficult article of all – the “sexperiment.”

My fellow editors perused endless sex position websites looking for the most difficult, awkward and ridiculously named sex positions around. While they laughed, gasped and cringed, I was thinking about how I would recover from this challenging task I was charged with.

Oh, the things I put myself through for The Spectrum.

After a weekend of exploring these new sex positions, I have put together a list so you and your partner can chose which new positions to add to your repertoire. Grab a friend or lover and give ‘em a go.

And remember, I did this all for you.

The Snow Angel

Difficulty: impossible

Pleasure rating: none

When this position was chosen, about five of us editors gathered around the computer screen using our Physics 101 knowledge to figure out exactly how this would work. We wondered what contortion the penis would have to be put into, and believe me, our conclusion was not a comfortable one.

Once we got into bed, my boyfriend and I decided to give this one a go first. It was a total bust. For reasons unknown, the author of this position thought penises could bend down and back towards the guy’s butt in a pleasurable manner. Unfortunately, the laws of nature won and we laughed this one off. Perhaps with some time and creativity you can find a way to make the angles work.

The Propeller

Difficulty: impossible

Pleasure rating: none

The Propeller is a position very similar to The Snow Angel, except the girl keeps her legs between the guy’s legs and lays them flat on the bed. The difficulties arose in the same place as penises have this habit of sticking straight out when erect, or curving just a bit, but not 180 degrees.

The Butter Churner

Difficulty: very challenging

Pleasure rating: high

This one is terrifying to look at, extremely difficult to get into and requires a lot of endurance and an immense amount of leg strength on the guy’s part, but highly pleasurable once you’ve both gotten into place.

The hardest part is working out exactly where everyone’s body parts should go and maintaining the height of the girl’s pelvis. If the girl starts to slip and drop her butt toward the bed, then it’s very difficult for the guy to squat over and over, and lower and lower.

But once you’ve both got it going and have sufficiently warmed up your legs and neck to avoid cramping, you’re going to feel some serious penetration in a way few other positions allow.

The Dolphin

Difficulty: medium

Pleasure rating: high

I was relieved when my kind colleagues chose this position, because it is one of our personal favorites – a guaranteed finisher. Although it looks uncomfortable for the lady’s neck, kind of like The Butter Churner, this one is actually really comfortable once you get into the grove.

Unlike many of the other positions, this one requires effort from both parties. My boyfriend usually holds my hips and moves me up and down in rhythm with him, while I raise and lower my butt along with him, or squeeze my hip abductors to help stay in place.

The Dolphin also allows for brilliant views of each other, so despite the distance between you, it’s a very intimate position. Make sure you guys try this one out; I guarantee it’ll become a staple in your repertoire.

The Love Triangle

Difficulty: medium

Pleasure rating: high

If your guy is looking to do some work and let you lay back and just enjoy it, then this is for you. I pretty much just laid back, stuck one leg up in the air and waited for him to get comfortable in a deep lunge. The Love Triangle doesn’t allow for easy movement for the guy, but the girl can rub herself on his leg for extra pleasure.

Face to Face

Difficulty: medium

Pleasure rating: medium

Websites and magazines always tout what an intimate position this is because of how close your faces are, but my boyfriend and I are not particular fans of this position. If we do this one, then I place myself more on his lap, holding myself up with my legs. If you do this position as shown, then you’re not going to be able to do much easy movement. It’s a nice sitting hug but could allow for more pleasure with your own variations.

Magic Bullet

Difficulty: easy/medium

Pleasure rating: high

I’d venture to say The Magic Bullet is almost iconic. There are very few sex position images more recognizable than a pair of lady legs resting on a man’s shoulders, but this one demands the girl to hold her legs straight up in the air and close together, rather than in a V-shape (another iconic position).

The Magic Bullet allows for deeper penetration, and there aren’t many things sexier than a man’s torso (shoulders and chest, yum yum!) during a sex position where he’s sitting up and working hard.

Girl on Top

Difficulty: easy

Pleasure rating: high

This one is a classic go-to for a reason – it’s easy, offers great views of the lady, allows for intimate eye contact and kissing and is incredibly pleasurable. I don’t think I need to explain this one, because you all should be doing it, all the time.

Sometimes people think sex between people who’ve been together for a long time can get boring, especially since many stick with the same few positions. But when you’ve got one this consistently good, it only gets better with time.

The Pretzel

Difficulty: easy

Pleasure rating: high

If you’re bored with missionary but aren’t ready to jump into the more difficult positions, take on The Pretzel. By lying on her side, the girl’s pelvis is raised, allowing deeper penetration than missionary allows.

Like Face to Face, The Pretzel is better when you put your own spin on it. We did try the designated style for a while but I ended up dropping my upper leg quite a bit, nearly ending up on my stomach (another personal favorite). Anything sideways is always a winner, but this is a new one, and definitely going to be put in regular rotation.

Row His Boat

Difficulty: easy

Pleasure rating: high

My fellow editors gave me some rest by choosing Row His Boat, a position we both love. We typically reserve this one for nights on the couch when we’re both too lazy and/or excited to walk the necessary five steps to our bedroom. Plus, sometimes in the winter the bed sheets can be just too damned cold and if you’re already on the couch…

Anyways, this is essentially Girl on Top, but by having the guy sit on something, you’re getting a new angle of penetration. The closeness of your bodies and faces makes this seriously intimate. And, if you haven’t tried public sex but are thinking about it, open your curtains and let everyone wonder what things you’re getting up (to).

Doggy Style

Difficulty: easy

Pleasure rating: medium

Now, I may be violating the sanctimony of Cosmo here, but I really don’t like Doggy Style. I find it immensely uncomfortable. Nonetheless, I know this is one a lot of couples like and find super pleasing, so I figured I’d give you some variations for it.

I’d much rather drop down and lie fully on the bed and have my boyfriend enter from behind. Weirdly enough, I prefer a type of Doggy Style if he’s standing off the bed but I’m in the same all-fours position. Another A+ variation is when the guy stands off the bed and the girl kneels on the bed and bends at the waist. Whatever way you do it, playing around with variations of Doggy Style will be one of the most pleasurable ways to spend your evening.

Missionary

Difficulty: easy

Pleasure rating: medium/high

Do I even need to review this one? It can be extremely pleasurable or extremely boring, depending on if the guy gets his hands involved with the lady’s breasts or clitoris or not. Basically, all guys need to keep in mind they can’t just expect a girl to seriously enjoy a position this simple if they aren’t doing something a little more exciting with it. The girl can also work to make this one better – I tend to raise my lower back and pelvis and gyrate my hips.

Reverse Cowgirl

Difficulty: easy

Pleasure rating: low/medium

As with my views on Doggy Style, I am being blasphemous to sex advice worldwide in that I find this to be totally lame. I love Girl on Top, don’t get me wrong, but Reverse Cowgirl is really only about penetration and the lovely view the guy has. It doesn’t allow for much more pleasure than that, whereas most girls need some type of external stimulation to have an orgasm.

Guys, if you really want your girl to get into this one, then you need to be conscious of the spots that make her moan when you touch them and capitalize on that.

Being together for years like we have means you’re comfortable exploring crazy new options, but sometimes couples can feel a little stagnant in their sex. If you spend an evening trying each one of these, you’re going to do some serious laughing, but most importantly, some serious bonding.

For those of you dating someone new or hooking up, it might feel a bit awkward to suggest something like The Butter Churner, but it’ll be fun exploring something new with someone new.

Best of luck on your own “sexperiment”!

The Spectrum editor who wrote this piece asked to remain anonymous.

All illustrations by Kenneth Cruz.

email: features@ubspectrum.com


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